Leaving

I always find my self wanting to leave.

As a kid it was threats of running away, my bike for long bike rides, or jumping BART and going to Ocean beach in San Fransisco.

Then my Mom would change my mind or come get me because I was to far or tired.

I graduated and couldn't wait to leave. I went away to Junior College in Redding CA. A few months later I wanted to leave and come home. Then I was home again wanting to leave.

I met a guy who wanted to leave his roommates. I left with him. Then I battle to leave him year after year each time compromising and moving with him to different place. As much as I battled to leave him he left my heart first so I asked him to physically leave. Then I battled to leave my mind with a few bottles of wine. I ended up not being able to leave. I had people who depended on me. I stayed.

Then I met a new adventure and decided to leave. I moved my dependents, cats, and dogs in to a new house with a new heart. I got married. Shortly after I wanted to leave. Only some of them left instead. Each time I battled to leave I found a reason to stay. My nephew, my son, my pregnancy, my love. He says he loves my staying power. That keeps me feeling full.

My staying power keeps me a mother, my staying power keeps my love new. My staying power has earned me balance, and big changes in my life that don't require an impatient feeling of leaving but a stronger feeling of staying and changing my world right where I am to please me.

I am thankful I no longer feel like I need to leave. That I can stay, at least for a while.

Me Day

I love Mother's Day. Every year my family is sweeter than the year before. This year stated with Joey buying me a cup of coffee at Starbuck's with my money. Go figure. Followed by a rant about how he hates his life. Pretty typical of Joey since everyday is the worst day ever with all the fun and laughing he does when he's not telling me about all his woes.

I then went to pick up Marysa from her Dad's house. She wore my favorite dress, cut three beautiful roses from her Dad's yard and made me a giant card covered with hearts and I love you Mom all over it. My favorite part was on the back of the card she drew a heart with Mary/Mom written in it. Very tiny she wrote optional. I asked her what that was for and she told me some people call me Mary and some called me Mom so it was optional.

Warren took Sonny with him to the office to drop off some work and met me back at the house. He took me out to eat at my favorite Mother's Day spot. Black Bear Diner. The wait is always to long but I love the corned beef hash. The service is bad and Sonny is only two and started acting up long before we got our meal.My sweetheart took him outside and let me eat in peace. I then went out to the car against his wishes and watched Sonny so he could eat.

After brunch we came home. Warren offered to pick me up a Rubin at Noah's just in case I needed some more spoiling. I put Sonny down for a nap and Marysa hung out with Declan while I took a nap. When Declan started to fuss he came in and napped with his old Ma.

I woke up happy. Sonny wanted to snuggle a minute then we hit the sprinklers. To my surprise we were able to play without fighting. The days not over but I sure love my husband and kids and wish everyday could be Mother's Day.

We're going to the park today

I've been home since the end of October 2008. Recovering and bonding with my now 5 month old Declan, studying to become an Accountant, and setting up a new business as a daycare provider, and being an active part in each of my kids lives. Volunteering when I can, setting up play dates, regaining control of my house that was previously dominated by children messes, building school projects, doing homework and reading more than I thought possible. My life doesn't have time to be a person, so I take the kids to the park every few days. Most the time Mateo's Dream park on the corner of Olivera and HWY 242 sometimes we hit other parks. I do this for two reasons, OK maybe a few more reasons. First my kids need a chance to be free and release energy and just be kids. Second this is where I get adult interaction.

I've met wonderful people at the park and people that just scare me. This is where kids say the darnedest things.

One woman one day at the park had a lovely conversation. We talked about children and their imagination, having babies close in age, feeling like you mastered one stage of childhood and then it's changed. She then told me her daughters will be getting Norplant when they are 14 year because she doesn't want to feel like Sarah Palin. Wow that ended a lovely chat quickly as I gathered my clan and ran.

Kids love a baby. Especially little girls around 4ish. A very sweet young lady came over to meet Declan. She asked me what's the baby's name and giggled Duck-land. She told me she liked his hair and asked to pet him. Then she sat next to me and told me she calls her Mom stinky butt and she has an Uncle stinky-butt too. Then she scurried off to play.

Another woman I met at the park was raising her Grand-daughters. She told me the Mama had trouble with drugs and the Daddy had been deported. She told me people have a special place in heaven who take on the burden of raising a child in need. Then she told me those little girls have a 1 year old brother she's trying to get as well. The woman was a saint. She never raised her voice and the girls listened and acted as she asked them too. She also told me she was so tired she lost her footing at home and fell, she crawled into her home and watched her arm become very swollen and wasn't sure how she was going to get her arm looked at so she didn't. I never know why people open up with a helpless situation to me. This lady I hope to meet again.

The same day a little boy about 7 or 8 told me that he was having the best day. His Mama bought him his favorite cereal Trix and he got to keep the Lego car toy.

Another day I ran into my friend who works at Noah's Bagels. He's a special guy who wipes down the table. He likes to sit on my bench and tell me how he walks to work from Napa everyday. That his Mom is who he lives with and she has over 100 kids. No matter where I move or if I talk to him or not he always smiles at me walks over to my bench sits down and tells me unbelievable stories about his family.

Then there are days at the park when I think I need to stop going. Days like the day my daughter used the restroom about 30 feet from me, clear view but I can't hear. A woman is yelling does anyone have a little boy missing. It's my daughter screaming. She locked her self in the restroom. No one talks to you after that.

My Sonny sings with me when he knows it's a park day. I love his voice. We sing. We're going to the park today, we're going to the park. Where all the children laugh and play we're going to the park today. He joins in at the words Park and Play.

I'm greatful for the sun, my kids and parents who take the time to take their kids to the park, and thankful they take the time to tell me their thoughts.

Oh Sonny my peeing genius

I'm never sure what Sonny will do next. I know a mother should be two steps ahead of junior. Sonny is nothing like his older brother or sisters. I have been to the ER with Sonny 4 times, that is 3 more times than Joey or Marysa. He can do things a lot earlier than his siblings too but in a 2 year old sort of way. Big footed and fearless he climbs trees, scales cabinets to get on the counter, gets food out of our trash that is fenced off, opens child safety locks and can get out of his clothes a lot faster than I can get them on.

Here are some of my favorite potty training stories. A few months back I got Sonny a Potty and a Elmo video that talks about Potty time. He went potty in the potty a few times and pooped once. We were on our way. Until Sonny learned to take off his diaper when he had to go. Now he has his own ideas. He crawled into the dog's bed and peed, he has peed on walls and the carpet, and his new skill and my favorite he can unfasten his diaper while they are still in his clothes so he can keep the diaper dry and pee all over everything else.

He is always so proud to tell me he feels ucky and smiles and gives me a big hug. Sonny is my peeing genius.

Bedtime and Musical beds

I am either a great Mom or need to be locked up with all the other Mommies that have lost to the kids.

About 7pm each night our crazy bedtime routine begins. I send Joey to get his PJs on and give Sonny his bottle. I know a two year old with a bottle. My doctor told me to cold turkey that one but it what keeps me sane. 7:30pm Sonny starts to figure bedtime is coming to he starts running as fast has he can anywhere I can't catch him. Dad usually catches him and passes him back to me. We all take turns kissing him goodnight then I take him to bed tell him I love him and I'll see him in a few hours. Shut the door while he screams Mom! at me and a second later he's quiet.

Next I nurse Declan. Change a diaper and lay him down in his bed and listen to him talk until he falls asleep. Easy kid.

Until 8:30 I watch TV Joey's choice. He is really good at letting himself quietly into his room and going right to sleep.

So far sounds pretty easy doesn't it. 830 the girls are to lay down. Ideally 9 o'clock lights are out and they are asleep. Never happens.
Tanner usually cries for either her mom or dad about this time, her rash itches, or life just isn't fair and bedtime is the best time to tell us about it.
Marysa is thirsty, doesn't remember eating dinner, has to find some missing stuffed animal, has a stomach ache or just can't sleep and softly cries.
About 10 I can usually confirm they are sleeping.

About 11 Sonny wakes up. "Mom. Mom. Hold you............" If it goes on past 20 minutes he ends up in my bed so I can sleep. I'll stay there on the edge if Declan doesn't wake up too. If our house gets to cold at night or Declan pees all over the place. Me or Warren will bring Declan in our bed. At this point I have no room. If the girls are at their other parents house I will take go sleep in their bed. If they are both here I will crawl in bed with Marysa. She likes that. She's a snuggler. If Tanner wakes up Warren will go sleep with her, if he doesn't wake up I go sleep with her. If I am in bed with either girl and Sonny wakes up again and Declan is in my bed I take Sonny back into his room and crawl into the bottom bunk with him. Joey sleeps through all this every night. However he is such a hard sleeper he thrashes and the bunk bed shakes. Not a good sleep.

Did I mention I'm a tired Mom and would love a nap. I don't get them nearly enough but will grab one when I can.

Oh did I mention Sonny is up with the sun unless he's asleep on me in my bed.

I did it.

I got my first paid job at my home with an actual client. Sure it was a drop-in but if they like me I may have another drop-in. I liked the kids. I liked the work. My house has never been so clean. I feel good. I did it.

Now to get another client and finish school.

when you get caught up in what's in front of you miss the bigger picture.

Just over two years ago I went on disability to have my first son Sonny. I brought him in the office not even six weeks old to see my friends. It was the last time I saw my friend Michelle. I came back to work a couple weeks at a time for about a year before coming back full time when Sonny was 13 months old. Michelle wasn't in the office. I wasn't worried due to her being in and out of the office in the past. I then found out I was pregnant with my second son Declan and was really sick. I didn't stay at work everyday and finally was pulled out of work when Sonny was 19 months old. While I was out of the office our sister office closed and I asked if she was moved to the new office. I was told she moved. Not a soul told me Michelle had cancer and was out of the office over a year. This morning I opened Facebook to find out Michelle had passed. I am happy she isn't in pain but my heat feels like someone is squeezing it. I am so sad. Michelle was a beautiful person. We often joked about silly things like how we needed to date geeks and be on a coffee call list. I missed talking to Michelle while I've been out with my babies but didn't give it much thought. Now my heart aches I wont ever see her again. God bless Michelle, her family and friends. Michelle I was blessed to have you in my life and will miss you.