Long time past

I've been spending a lot of time talking about my job and not a lot on being a mother of 5. I'm going to go back to when I was a new mother of 3. Back in 2005 I was newly married to my sweet Warren. I had a beautiful little girl and brand new step daughter and even more recently acquired my little boy Joey from Foster care. Joey came to live with us December 13, 2005 and was having my daughters 5th birthday Saturday the 17th. Complete with a Pink Pony bouncy house on the rainiest day of the year.

The party was interesting to say the least. My sisters, my sister in-law, my daughter her cousins, my wild new son, my husband, step daughter and my husbands ex-mother-in law. A little ambitious I suppose. The kids had fun playing on my girls new bunk beds and snacking on cheese and broccoli turkey meat balls. The bouncy house went almost untouched as it was wet and cold. All the Mom's sat in the living room talking and the ex-grandma went room to room taking pictures.

I was exhausted and a little frazzled. The kids where hot and sweaty and having a blast. My sister in-law and War's ex-ma and Tan left. My Mom, Dad and brother (Joey's biological father) showed up. Ready to get out we loaded up the cars and when to see Christmas lights. Loading my car with kids in car seats reaching across the seat I noticed some extreme tenderness in my stomach. After stopping to see Santa at a local light show in the neighborhood saying my good-byes to the rest of the party I took a pregnancy test.

OMG!!! I was pregnant. I yelled out in excitement. Years earlier I was told after my daughters birth I would probably not have another child. Warren and I decided to keep it quite. I told my Mom who told my Dad who told everyone I'm sure. Went to m fist prenatal filled out all the paperwork and met my doctor. She took a quick ultrasound. Hmmm looks about 12 weeks......hmmm maybe you should come back next week to confirm this pregnancy is viable.

VIABLE! What's that? Well the baby had no heartbeat. Apparently it could be that we caught it to early. January 17, 2006 I was driving to work and was really tired. I took 2 hours off that morning flattened the backseat out in my car and took a nap right in the office parking lot. When I actually walking into work I had to pee and my paper was covered in dark red blood. I let the attendance manager know I thought something was wrong in my pregnancy and called my doctor. The told me I should be able to work as long as there wasn't anymore blood I could come in the morning. Well 4ish the blood came back and there was purple globs. I left right away and called my husband and mother to go get my kids. Warren and I spent a few hours as the ER until I was wheeled down to diagnostic imaging where I was told by the chief neurologist that my baby still did not have a heart beat. I had the choice of letting things happen naturally or they could help me along. I still had hope even though it was hopeless and choose to go home and rest. I laid at home for two days crying still nothing happened. No more bleeding or cramps and choose to go back to work. Well driving home it happened. I screamed out in the worst pain I had ever been in. Got to my children's daycare where I ran to the bathroom. It happened my lifeless little fetus came out. The physical pain ended and the emotional began.

I sat up night after night in search of a on-line support group for women who miscarried. I even tried to start one on CafeMom.com I got quick sympathy but no one was out there wanting to talk. Warren would come out and watch me cry night after night searching on the computer. I never felt so alone. My mother tried to comfort me as she also had a similar but more extreme experience. Somehow nothing helped. Warren begged me to get help and I did not.

Six months later we where pregnant again. I was neurotic about my pregnancy. To the point my doctor called my husband and asked if I was mentally OK. I ended up having to see someone about the tremendous fear I had about something going wrong with this pregnancy.

Have you ever heard the story of the boy who cried wolf? That was me terrified every few weeks something was wrong. I was very sick and my baby was very alive each time I went in for more fluid or a medicine to keep me from puking. I was put on an anti-anxiety medication and I calmed down some to stop crying in fear every time I sneezed. By the 3rd trimester I knew every triage nurse by name. By week 32 Dr. Dillar in an attempt to calm me I'm sure told me that if my baby was born he was developed enough to survive and it the cord was wrapped around his neck he still would be fine. I finally could relax. The doctors took me off work and I began to clean. Nesting right? Well I'm a super nest-er I guess I moved my rooms around, cleaned from top to bottom only stopping when I passed out to sleep. Warren wanted to go out for one last guys night before baby came in 5 weeks. Reasonable I thought. Until 30 minutes after he left I started to contract. 33 weeks into it. I called him and he came home with his buddy Carl.

Well I was in labor 5 weeks early. Ok 5 weeks and 5 days. the hooked me up to the triage monitors and my baby was unresponsive. No acceleration or movement. They had me drink juice. Still he did nothing. They buzzed my stomach with a fetal alarm still nothing. I then got pitocin. A few hours on it baby started to move. I was 3cm dilated and Warren and I where talking about going home with the doctor. I relaxing and waiting on one last check when I knew he was coming out. OMG! The nurse came in and told us to hold on a minute. Warren was in shock I think? I was in labor after all. "I guess I catch him if he comes out?" The midwife came in not a minute to soon. Sonny came flying out in 3 pushes and just an hour early we thought we were going home.

He came out blue and didn't cry. I was so happy I didn't notice at first. Then a trillion people came flying in the room. Warren tried to keep his fear for showing me our baby didn't look good. Our baby was quickly given to me and then swept away to NICU. He aspirated. Warren followed our baby. I sat in my hospital room alone, numb and terrified. An hour after his birth Warren send me an audio text. He cried.

They moved me shortly following the text. Rushing me through the NICU to see my baby. Warren talked to the doctors and got me back in to see my baby and as soon as I could walk I was the hospitals missing Mama. I sat next to my babies bed only leaving his side on shift changes. Warren and I sitting together in NICU with the baby looks at me and says Sonny? My eyes swelled with water, I smiled and he was Sonny.

Five days Sonny was poked, wore an oxygen mask, weighed his diapers, kept on monitors and slept under heat lamps. I was told time and time again he looked good and maybe tomorrow he would get to go home. Each time he wasn't released because he lost weight and hi bilirubin kept getting higher. Day 5 and under a UV lamp for 24 hours and a good fight with the head pediatrician at Kaiser about not giving him anymore shots they sent my Sonny home.

I'm thankful every day I see my little wildman and have never stopped watching his just as close as those first few days. If you know Sonny you know why.

This is gonna be tough

Yesterday I walked on to the Diablo Valley Campus and not to watch Tanner dance either. I went to the information center to find out where to start to complete my education. I was told to go to the admissions office to make sure my transcripts from Shasta College had been archived. Yikes! It's going to be 12 year coming this next semester since I took a college class. I have 55 units I'm hoping will still apply to my goals.

Admissions said my transcripts where still viewable and I hiked up the hill to the counseling center to make my appointment. November 4th at 11am. WOW! I have already made progress.

DVC has this cool web site you can plug in you program and t will fill in your completed coarse work and see what you still need to do. Apparently I have 35 more units I need for an A.A. So 12ish classes I need unless the counselor can plug some of my classes in to places the program didn't. PLEASE!!!!! PLEASE!!!! PLEASE!!!!!! Let that be the case. I know I need all the math, health science, P.E. life/physical sciences. All the stuff that didn't sound fun the first time around.

That's right I love to learn. The problem is I love to learn what I love. Child development, political science, Literary arts. Gee I sound like a girl. I'm already getting off track seeing classes I'd love to take just flipping through the Catalog of classes. I see some classes on how to deal with the special needs of Foster children I could use now relating to behavior issues. Site management classes to be a director of a preschool, etc.

So how am I going to get excited about math again. I was good in high school. Marysa my fourth grader's homework is challenging. I can do it I just can't explain it. I'm sure I'll need to learn to explain again. UGH!!!

So any tips how to focus with kids and a job would be welcome. I have to get away from telecoms and customer service before I go mad.

Ugh and not the shoe

Today went in to the YMCA and was going over the hiring package. There was a huge miscommunication about the benefits. I don't think I am going to take the job after all. I guess I have been spoiled having health insurance that covered my family and not just my self.

For someone who is alone in this world, no husband or kids Perfect. Full health care and dental. For a person with kids it's an out of pocket expense of $500 per paycheck. Taking a pay cut with benefits we would be fine. I could be with my kids in the afternoon and enjoy working.

So here I am in tears practically thinking of going back to Corporation X. My kids come first. To me that means their basic needs get met. Food, school, health care and time with me just has to be last for now.

Resume gets sent again. I suppose I'm back at work in a week or so. Ugh!!!!

A small job hunt update

Monday I went to my first interview at YMCA East Bay. The job would a an Infant/Toddler teacher in Rodeo working with children from hard backgrounds. Foster Care and the Projects.

I have to tell you for a first interview I took Warren's advice. I let them talk, and ask the questions. Then when I was asked a question I clarified what was asked before answering. There where two women there asking questions and writing like crazy. Luckily Corporation X had prepared me for that. Every meeting with every supervisor includes 2 managers and a union rep writing down everything. However as unnerving as it could have been my answers must have been good. Carla whom conducted most of the interview offered me the job without even checking my background or references. She got over excited I guess and laughed a little and asked me if everything would check out. Yes. In my mind I guessed people might lie to get a job??????????

I couldn't be more pleased with the opportunity to be part of a bigger picture. To help the really small and the grown. I am excited and thankful. Not to mention some perks like getting off early enough to be a major part of my own kids lives, a beautiful drive through the country twice a day, a gym membership with discounts on children's programs, benefits and retirement, time to have a big garden again. What I can't make in money there I can always make when I finally finish my real estate licence. Life is a little brighter.

Job hunting

Those who know me know I've been working at Corporation X now close to 11 years. For the most part I've been happy collecting a pay check and coming home to my beautiful little girl Marysa. I was employee of the month, taken out for lunch for being the teams top seller, worked on special project and really felt important. All of what I described was actually Corporation Z. Corporation X took over about 4 or 5 years ago.

Changes began when my office moved, our phone where now computerized and everything we do is watched. Well I still felt good, still had my project and now I was married and going to have a baby. The pregnancy/maternity benefits couldn't be better. I took time off while pregnant for morning sickness and went back to work full time when my baby boy was 13 months old. A week into returning my project was taken from my office. I was on a general billing Que being watched. I missed my baby and was feeling sick again. Well I found out I was pregnant again.

Oy! This time I was sicker, I had trouble focusing and my pregnancy was high risk. My benefits where still good and I took time off for pregnancy related illness and maternity. This time while I was off I was determined in a failing economy to open a home based daycare. Hoping to help low income and student parents. I got 3 clients. Two were drop-in and I had to go back to work. A few days in to returning my billing office was turned in to a sales office, they swept us off to a 4 month training and changed our attendance policy. I was no longer a perfect employee. Not because I had changed but because the company had changed. The job did a 180 degree turn on me. I still had my friends of many years to work with but all of them and I were getting suspended often. What the heck was going on? My thought was we weren't wanted anymore. Attrition. The dirtiest word I can think of. Good, hard workers all on warnings of dismissal, disability from the stress or on programs. My office looked like a ghost town. People who would smile and say good morning lost their luster. The offices around us on our floor where closing, people taking separation packages, or following their job out of state or hanging on praying another position in California opened up for them to more into. One day our Vice President took a new job, and the two or three that followed him did the same until final we where consolidated with the San Ramon business office.

Many of us were mad, all I think where scared and no choice was given. We are now in a high pressure sales office hanging by a thread and stressed. I was suspended on day 2 of the new office. Another rep told management I was on the Internet. I was reinstated into my job with a warning of dismissal if another "Code of Conduct" violation occurred. Well the truth is I wasn't on the Internet. My job makes me panic and I can't find what I need to do what I need to do. In my mind I'm still a customer service rep hired to help the customer. In reality I'm not here to help a customer at all but to find away to have them commit to giving us more money each month. Who cares if they are cared for on a human level any more.

So now I'm here....hanging from a thread that's gonna break. The new attendance policy will never allow me to be a perfect 10 again. I still service when I can but focus on the sales now. I'm good at it. People trust that I'm helping them do what's right for their business to keep them in business. For the most part I do and try to do the right thing. Help who can be helped and keep floating.

I know I've mentioned lots of times my husband is a wonderful guy. He motivates me.... may not even know he does. I hate my job I once loved. I think about my kids growing up everyday and how much I miss. I'm applying for jobs. It's weird. At first I applied for similar jobs. Corporate customer service or sales jobs. I got some calls but my motivation to follow through just wasn't there. About 2 weeks ago the pastor of my church sent an e-mail out to the church family that our pre-school director was retiring and they are looking for a replacement. My dream job. My 3 favorite things under one roof. Working with kids, my love for God and my church and my kids. My heart raced. I called and e-mailed the same day. Then there was the resume.

Oh WOW! I don't have a resume. Every job I've ever got was a referral for a friend, and application maybe a test and I was in. Including the job I have now and the one I had before it at my church. New pastor. Wants a resume. Ugh!!! So I write one. Warren helps and a week later after many drafts I turned it in. My hands were sweaty, I'm sure my face was red and I had awkward small talk with Pastor Jed. We joked a bit like old friends and I left with excitement and sadness. My ego of I can do this was still there but my confidence on proving I was the best choice was turning to jello. How does some see me on paper next to people who have been in a director position before. I'm sure I looked better than some but not to sure.

A week passes no call. I have 2 maybe 3 weeks until I have to go back to Corporation X. I don't want to. The thought makes my body sick. I need a new job. I want to feel like I'll make a difference in people. I don't want to be a random phone call and a potential sale. I want to be part of something bigger.

Today I sent that same resume I handed Pastor to multiple preschools. I got a call. The position I applied for was filled but she said if I was able to got to a difference center she may just have the job for me. She gave me the address. I took a drive to case the area and called her back. Monday I have a set interview. No word of mouth just me, my resume and desire to be someone who can help. A huge pay cut but a chance proud of who I am and someone my kids can look up to. Now to wait calmly and say a little prayer.

the road most taken is it the right road?

July 17th I officially gave 10 years to telecoms. Loudly under appreciated. Sure I had three babies and one adoption, two hernia surgeries and one hospitalization and divorce and a marriage. Over ten years, come on guys life happens. I've been at work reliably ready to take the hit from the nastiest people on the planet. Most of the time taking the vinegar right out of their mouths and replacing it with honey. I am "happy" and "understanding" day in and out. I am dynamic changing as fast as you've asked me to be and sometimes even beating your expectations. I leave my kids mile stones to be seen by strangers, . I don't grieve when I should. I keep my mouth shut and accept the job laid before me and give you my all. I show respect towards authority and I'm a team player.

Why should it be that today I'm sitting by my phone an hour after your under delivered promised call. After a third day of suspension pending investigation for having a web page on my computer. A direct link from you own intra company website. Where I was turned in by a woman who no convincing is needed has sold her soul to the devil himself for $50k+ a year.

I'm not gonna quit. You can give me what I want after 10 years dedicated to you. An open door............

Summer time, summer time, sum sum summer time :-)

Yep it's that time of year. Friday is the last day of school. I'll have a couple of Fourth grade girls in the house a third grade boy and a few quickly growing babies. OK preschoolers. Just like every year before this year seemed to disappear right before my eyes.

Marysa has become a lot more social. Birthday parties, sleep overs, play date, phone calls and text messages. She has developed a sense of style. Teen idols cover her bedroom walls and I embarrass her. I see less and less of a little girl and more of a young lady. Swimming seems to be her sport. She can butterfly life no ones business.

Tanner is blooming as well. He imagination is becoming more refined. She can tell a story I find myself straining to hear what happens next form the next room. She is becoming closer to me again after a few years of pulling away. I can not remember the last time she and I butted heads. After all that's what Capricorns do. She is a kind and loving sister. She even looks less like a little girl. Amazing and blessed to be able to share her life.

Joey..... Holy Cow!!!!!! The kid rocks. He still takes me on a roller coaster but the kid brings tears to my eyes of pride. He tried baseball this year. He's not a natural but a hard worker. His team was undefeated except one game and he came home with the championship trophy. I am most proud that he made strong contact twice in the last game. GO JOEY!!! After the game Joey's teacher left me a voicemail about how he's going to get a surprise medal for math. I am just a beaming proud Mama.

Sonny is my wild child. The child my mother wished on me. He's had stitches in his hand, took a swim with his bike in the canal, licked neighbors trash cans and cars. Pretty much just keeps me on my toes. I can't even brace myself for what he might do next. He's smart, loving and my sunshine.

Oh and no least at all. Declan. I new walker with eleven teeth. He can sing happy birthday all the way through and bits and pieces of various Ramones and The Who songs. He blow kisses and tells you with little frustration exactly what he wants........with WORDS. I don't think he knows he's a baby. It's make my lip frown just enough to wish he's stay my baby baby just a little more.

Just a sweet reminder. I love my husband. We don't get a lot of time one on one in our little house of hyper but love him more and more everyday. End of August will be our 5 year aniversay. In the 5 years I've been proud to be Mrs. Lutz I have watched him transform from a guy with a newspaper job to a guy who has no limits. He is always doing bigger and better. I don't even hope for the next 5 years to be as good as the first. I know they will be better. My best friend and soulmate, father of my children is the BOMB Yay! I am proud of him too.

As of right now I'm looking forward to the summer and spending time with my amazing family. Let Summer begin.