A down side to adoption

As you know I adopted my nephew. He's my brother biological son. When my brother came to me and asked me to take his son I made him a promise. The promise was to protect his son. I do fiercely.

My brother growing up was my hero. He was cool and wore a leather jacket and was my rock star. He's eleven years older than I am. As I grew up I learned that the "rock star" I idolized lifestyle was changing him. Now that I'm graying and a few of his hairs have disappeared I still love my brother I just can't hold him in the same lime light I did as a forth grade girl.

My brother is a good person who has a sickness. He's addicted to alcohol. As part of my promise to him and my nephew, now son sometimes protecting Joey means protecting Joey from my brother. My brother in his mind drinks to stay alive. Every time I see him drinking or drunk it hurts.

I have this beautiful strong willed boy in my life that I am terrified will take his first drink one day. I talk open and honest with my son about drugs, alcohol and addiction. When my brother shows up on my front steps unplanned I turn him away. My brother holds back his tears, I get soft with my voice and hold back mine. I turn and tell my son there are rules we follow for his safety and try with every ounce of strength I have to not look in his eyes and show him I'm sad and angry.

The truth is my heart is broken. It has been since the first time my brother let me down. It wont heal since the alcohol has taken away my hero. I worry. I worry about him. Homeless, the people he finds on the street that he shares his life with and who he might bring to my house. This is our safe area. It's hard sometimes to feel safe when he brings by a "buddy"????

I keep moving forward holding Joey's hand when he'll let me. I stopped crying over spilt milk years back. Now I stay strong because there is no other way. I just wanted to share it's hard sometimes.... even when your heart tells you, you are doing the right thing.