Needles

Have I ever mentioned I hate needles? I do. Okay maybe not all of them. Sewing machines are okay. The ones I hate usually can be found at the hospital. I hate having blood taken, receiving a shot, getting an IV etc.

With all my distaste for those horrible little needles I really fear the big ones. The epidural at all three of my births was not comfortable. In fact the last one didn't even work and I gave birth natural by surprise. Yet I still got to feel the burn as the fluid entered my spine, the bruise on my back and and a lovely numb thigh.

I still went back for an epidural for my back pain. Yep a shot right at C4 that did nothing for my pain except add a six week long headache. I was told they probably nicked my spinal column.

Here I am again going to let them do a spinal tape on me. A test with a 70% chance of being right.  You maybe wonder why bother?

I have spent 10 months on the bench. No hiking, no bike rides, no roller coasters, no bouncy houses, no soccer. First it was pain my doctors could explain. Weak core muscles, a large sway in my lower back from poor ergonomics and giving birth back to back several years after a hernia surgery. I lost a bunch of weight, built up my abs started feeling less pain and more numb.

The doctors ruled out spinal reasons and passed me off to neurology. I had two MRIs and a crazy test where they measured how fast my vision is processed by my brain. The MRIs 85% right in ruling out MS. The vision is 50% right and the spinal tap I'll be having tomorrow morning is 70%. All of it is 100% worth it if they can make everything go away and give me back my life.  Help me decorate with something besides white medicine bottles that should be making me feel better.

That's the last needle in my back ever I hope. One more MRI and a psychiatric evaluation by my request, since a lot of the medicine I take are antidepressants and seizure controllers. All with their own sides effects that I'm now second guessing.
These should be my last two tests and I want answers.

I'm told it's not that's easy. I just want to know, have this nightmare end and get back to living how I want to.

I hate crying when I think I'm alone or holding back tears at my appointments. I hate sleeplessness nights that come night after night. I hate to feel manic because I can't focus on what I hear or see. 

Most of all I hate feeling hopeless, sad and alone.

I pray they gives me an answer with tomorrows tests and gives me something I've been missing back to me. HOPE.