Mixed feelings, confussion or just motherhood

My daughter...... oh wow is she her own person. Part of me is so happy that she is and the other half is hurt. I can't figure out how my Mom became my best friend if I can't even connect with my little princess some times. I am so old and un-cool. Marysa is 9 3/4 going on leaving my house and starting her own life. She doesn't show me a lot of my baby girl anymore. Somehow I still try and treat her that way. I still want to give her too much explanation so she gets conversations and cut her off when she tries to talk. She's always calling me on it. She doesn't play dolls but she collects stuffed animals, only everything is hi-tech, her animals Webkinz needs a computer to make her animals come alive. My computer isn't even good enough for her. Not to mention the Beiber fever. No clue what I'm going to feel like when there is a real boy and not just a Teen Bop poster boy. I guess my little girl is more diva than I thought. I worry I'm not raising her right. I'm worried that I try to be her friend and the mothering gets in the way and visa versa. I worry what lessons and values she'll take from me into her own life. I have big dreams for her and one day I'll have to give those dreams up and support her dreams she doesn't even know she has yet.
I had her Parent Teacher conference at school today. I always get that feeling like when watching a good tear jerker and hope the teacher can't see it. Marysa is excelling across the board. Reading at a 7th grade level and bringing up wanting to take chemistry classes to become a Vet. The teacher conference was about 10 minutes told me how smart she is and how she is nothing to worry about. I guess my baby girl who won my heart with the first look see gave me is now my responsible wonderful young lady who I am very proud of.

home business vs the job that's waiting

After having Declan I have been worried about affording daycare for everyone. Going back to work means that I pay for Marysa, Joey, Sonny and Declan's childcare bills. For Sonny and Declan it also mean buying extra diapers for those daycare's and Declan will need bottles and food brought for him as well. Before I went on leave I was paying for Marysa and Sonny. Joey my friend was watching and now she's in school full time. My estimate for day care is roughly a lovely grand total of about $3000 a month. I make $3800. Doesn't leave a lot for food, utilities, any fun at all but benefits are included. I wont ever get to see my kids. I have always wanted to raise my own kids instead of paying someone else to do it. While I was out I thought about opening my own daycare. I wont get paid nearly as much as I would holding on to my job but my expenses would drop way down to food, utilities and fun.

My mom had a daycare when I was growing up. I loved coming home to my mom and all the babies. I loved sitting on the sofa and talking to a baby and watching those cute gestures. I loved my mom was there is I wasn't feeling good and I needed my bed to be made and a cup of soup. I loved the songs and the toys and all the noise.

Having five kids of my own I still love those things but the noise at times can get out of control. I never have enough time to do everything. My house is marginally clean most the time if all the toys get put away. Keeping up dishes, counters and floors is hard when you're helping with homework, nursing a baby, making dinner, vacuuming and trying to do home schooling for your self. Not to forget the surprises, leprechaun traps, ER visits, potty accidents, play dates and just needed an hour at the park to burn off energy. I think I stay on top of things alright, marginal but what about when I have other people kids to watch. A few more butts to clean, boo-boos to prevent, mouths to feed, and adults in addition to my own to deal with. At least when I tell my other adult what kind of day I had he may be OK with the dishes still in the sink but my mom never had dishes in the sink, or at least not more than a few. She would get up an hour sometimes more before the daycare opened and go to the Grocery store for milk and bread or mop the kitchen floor. She really was and still is Super Mom. Even though she tells me I'm a better mom than she ever was. I'm sure that's a white lie to keep me motivated to keep trying to do the best I can.

I'm going to open that daycare. My kids at least need to see that I tried to stay home with them. To love them better than the teachers at the YMCA did. Who knows maybe one day I will compare to my mom and inherit the title of Super Mom.

Monday the Childcare Council is coming by before I mail my application in to see if my house might pass the states inspection. I really hope it does...... in the mean time a few extra prayers and good thoughts and hope sent my way wouldn't hurt.