Needles

Have I ever mentioned I hate needles? I do. Okay maybe not all of them. Sewing machines are okay. The ones I hate usually can be found at the hospital. I hate having blood taken, receiving a shot, getting an IV etc.

With all my distaste for those horrible little needles I really fear the big ones. The epidural at all three of my births was not comfortable. In fact the last one didn't even work and I gave birth natural by surprise. Yet I still got to feel the burn as the fluid entered my spine, the bruise on my back and and a lovely numb thigh.

I still went back for an epidural for my back pain. Yep a shot right at C4 that did nothing for my pain except add a six week long headache. I was told they probably nicked my spinal column.

Here I am again going to let them do a spinal tape on me. A test with a 70% chance of being right.  You maybe wonder why bother?

I have spent 10 months on the bench. No hiking, no bike rides, no roller coasters, no bouncy houses, no soccer. First it was pain my doctors could explain. Weak core muscles, a large sway in my lower back from poor ergonomics and giving birth back to back several years after a hernia surgery. I lost a bunch of weight, built up my abs started feeling less pain and more numb.

The doctors ruled out spinal reasons and passed me off to neurology. I had two MRIs and a crazy test where they measured how fast my vision is processed by my brain. The MRIs 85% right in ruling out MS. The vision is 50% right and the spinal tap I'll be having tomorrow morning is 70%. All of it is 100% worth it if they can make everything go away and give me back my life.  Help me decorate with something besides white medicine bottles that should be making me feel better.

That's the last needle in my back ever I hope. One more MRI and a psychiatric evaluation by my request, since a lot of the medicine I take are antidepressants and seizure controllers. All with their own sides effects that I'm now second guessing.
These should be my last two tests and I want answers.

I'm told it's not that's easy. I just want to know, have this nightmare end and get back to living how I want to.

I hate crying when I think I'm alone or holding back tears at my appointments. I hate sleeplessness nights that come night after night. I hate to feel manic because I can't focus on what I hear or see. 

Most of all I hate feeling hopeless, sad and alone.

I pray they gives me an answer with tomorrows tests and gives me something I've been missing back to me. HOPE.

Wont be my best post

I'm dead tired, yet awake and not able to sleep. I can smell my steal cut Irish oatmeal cooking in the kitchen. The smell woke me up. It smells like the baby poop my little ones would make when they first started eating Cheerios. But since I was asleep, the smell confused me. I had to find it.




It’s 5am. This is so not cool.



The only other creature stirring is Pumpkin, our cat. I walk through my pitch black house. My room smells, the hallway does not. I go between the two and keep trying figure it out. Finally I figure out it’s the oatmeal. It took me getting out of my warm bed to figure it out. Yay, I'm awake.


Today I'm sure will be packed full of fun. Kids go to school. I go to traffic court.

I got two tickets this year. The first is taken care of with online comedy traffic school. Talk about boring. The second one, I feel like I was set up. Like the cops were out to get me? No, but on my way to work in September, I was the only driver on the road, and I suppose I paused at a stop sign instead of stopping. Cop follows me. In fact he follows me so closely I couldn't see his head lights in my rear view mirror, let alone whether he was an officer. I get nervous when followed so closely, so I drove a little faster. When I did, he flipped on his lights.

The "courtesy" notice was never sent to me. Being the responsible person I am, I go down to the court office to find out why. I find out it’s due in two days and I’m broke. The silver lining is my check is coming in. The clerk gives me the citation number, but when I go home to look it up, I can't access it on the website. They do maintenance on this site EVERY DAY. So I could not make the $280 payment.
Finally I get the bill, which includes a $300 fee just for fun. I had money for the $280 payment, but now I have to beg to waive the $300 fee. Wish me a miracle please! Do I get my kids shoes and lunches for school, or pay the city because… well, I guess because they are broke and my taxes aren't enough.
After court I get to go to work. The guy that closed my office last year is coming in. We are told we will be getting pizza. I'm sick thinking about that. Who is going to fly out from New Jersey for pizza? I'm sure he'll mention my office’s attendance record and slipping sales. Pep us up with some kind of phony motivational words, then the rumors will spread about how we have X amount of time to show them what we got or our heads will be on the chopping block.

Oh, corporate sales pressure, how I love you so. The comfort you give me with your security and humanity just fills me with joy… Did I mention I can't sleep? Thanks!