Sunday, December 6, 2009


The little things make me happy. I give my dog Ozzy a raw egg from time to time. My Dad swears it will keep his coat shinny. Today I set a cold raw egg on the ground. I watched Ozzy carefully push it round with his nose, pick it up in his mouth and carry it to the lawn. On the way he dropped it and the egg cracked. As expected. He then nosed the egg around licking up the spillage. It was really fun to watch.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

A mile stone for me

Today I brought my family to met Joey's biological sister Ashley. This was huge for me since I have been so protective of Joey for the last four years. Joey is my nephew that my husband Warren and I adopted shortly after we were married. Ashley is his sister from his mother Darlene.

Joey has had so many questions about his brother and sisters and I had no answers for him. I got in contact with his mothers ex-husband who has always been a good guy to my brother before Joey was born, and Joey's hero since Joey was taken from his mother.

A month or so ago after talking to Joey's therapist I decided to contact Skip to see if Joey's siblings were safe and could be in contact with him. Skip put me in contact with Ashley. She and Joey talked to each other fairly regularly so we decided to get together for Joey's birthday at a park.

When we arrived at the park Joey seemed nervous then he quickly warmed up to Ashley. I had to really hold my tears back. They were so happy to see each other. Ashley looks just like Joey. She was there with her dad Skip, fiance' Arther, their two children Matt and Malea. They had birthday gifts for Joey that were an awesome ice breaker. We spent about two hours with their family. Playing football with the kids. Talking about Joey and some of his hobbies and academic achievements. I told them a little history I knew about Joey and they filled in the blanks of some information I didn't know about Joey as a baby.

Over all I thought it was a good day. We may get together again after she gets back from Disneyland.

Friday, August 7, 2009

My mama said

People who know me well know how close I am to my mother. She is a woman people can only wish they had in their own life. She had only two wishes for her children growing up....... One they are god fearing.... Two they can take care of their own person. Those who know my family know the heart break she must have with her children. She still loves us all, never judges us and gives us little bits of advice.

Some of the words my Mom says often I sure came from her mother and I know I say them and one can only hope my daughter will say them too. ---Treat others how you would want to be treated. Give and expect nothing in return because it's the right thing to do. Every mother crow thinks their baby is the blackest. These are some of my favorites. I often hear them when I make choices. I give to charity, I volunteer when I can, I try my hardest to do the right thing.

Last week was Vacation Bible School at my church. The kids would yell out Fear Not every time God was mentioned. They also learned a lot about how God provides and about God sighting. I didn't go to the instruction but I was at the church all week. I sat in chapel sang the songs and even joined in a devotion of the VBS staff.

Well following my mama's advice I gave away cloth diapers to a new mama, I had my brother who is homeless over for dinner, I help my friend with her four kids so she can get through school and I have very little my self to help anyone out with. I have been off work for ten months now. I have collectors calling me but some how God provides for me. I have wonderful people helping watch my children while I get my family use to me working full-time again, I found $20 this week I used on gas for my empty tank, my husband was offered a job making $18k more a year than he currently makes and my neighbors brought me over a box of canned food. I expected none of this but I am sure thankful for all of it.

Two things to be thankful for is my Mama and all she has taught me and God for providing daily bread to us.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

The end is nearing

My extended stay home is quickly coming to an end.I go back to work on August 4th for two weeks, home two more weeks and back to full-time.

My kids just spent an exciting fun energetic and tiring week at First Lutheran Church, Concord Vacation Bible School. Tomorrow morning they will be singing their songs they learned, even Sonny will be joining in on the fun. Yay!

My weekend is full of laundry, vacuuming, deep cleaning of kitchen and bathroom, making lunches for 4 in advance and making sure day camp bags are packed with sunscreen, towels and changes of clothes. Oh and babysitting Mattias 15 with autism and his sister princess Genna. (also known as Sonny's best pal)

I have been working on a slow acclamation for Sonny into pre-school so it's not so hard on him. When I'm back at work full-time. I'm nervous about my nanny-share for Declan. She seems to communicate better with my partner than me. Anyone who knows me knows I am a hands on mama and if I'm not comfortable I make things happen to be comfortable. My partner keeps reassuring me it will be OK. I sigh. I just want to get her through school so I can relax some. I worry about her and her kids way to much.

I have been interviewing mother's helpers to get Marysa and Joey back and forth from school to music lessons and soccer practice. I think I may have one who will be responsible enough that I don't worry. Now I play the waiting game for the response if my job offer is worth her time or not.

I still have referee class to take and need to find out if I can take U8 and upgrade to U10 if needed, or if I can barrow my referee volunteer from last year. Soccer takes over my life very soon. Yikes! Why do I do this?

To top off everything that needs to get done on my deadline. Warren has been working more. Our house is getting slowly messier, Sonny is calming down some and Declan is becoming mobile. Not to mention Joey's birthday is Tuesday and he wants a bike.

My after the income rolls in more regular tasks are becoming my list of things to do. 1. get carpets cleaned, 2. pack for our move once the new house becomes a reality,3. etc. etc.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

I have a package to mail

You'd think with mailing stations popping up everywhere mailing a package would be easy. Well I guess if you're on regular business hours? I originally was going to go on my lunch a mail a package and said well Longs Drugs has the mail center I can use that after work. The mail center was broken. Then I remembered the Kinko's is also FedEx and I can mail my package there, except Quiznos next door caught on fire and caused smoke damage. There's a UPS store down the street that is closed on Sunday. I though there was a new Kinko's in the new Kohl's shopping center. Tanner spotted it and said it looks like it closed too. Sure enough it was, it opens at noon and it's 1030 now. I guess we'll go to the park and eat lunch and take a nap then try again. What a pain.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Slow down please!!

Monday has a new meaning for me. Today is the last day before a few days back at work. I have my girl friends 20 month old and 6 year old in addition to four fifths of my crew. Normally it's easy to have these two. Today there was a kink in the schedule. Joey's therapy appointment was today. I planned to take the kids to the park before the appointment and drop Sean off with his older brother before he appointment. That worked out as to be expected. The kids played. We got out of the park with one minor injury. My friends daughter walked in front of a swing before I could grab her and has a small bruise on her cheek. She was loved on and ran right back to the swing.

We then all hopped in the car, dropped Sean off and went to therapy. Genna passed out cold in the car. I have Tanner and Joey as my great helpers and Sonny who is still wanting to play hard as usual and Declan who is getting hungry but not showing any signs yet. I get Genna into my back pack, Sonny in his harness and Delcan in the stroller. I always look like a crazy lady parade when I go out, and someone always has to tell me I have my hands full. Joey gets checked in and we head to the waiting room. I lay a passed out Genna on the couch in the waiting area. Sonny, Joey and Tanner play with the worst collection of Lego blocks I have ever seen. Joey and Tanner quietly bicker about if Tanner is singing or not. Sonny has lost interest and wants to explore the hall ways. In this buildings the hallways go every where and would be extremely easy to get lost let alone loose a wild, fast, curious 2 year old. I spent a lot of time speed walking and counting to 3 and playing the I got you game.

Sonny finally gets quiet to hide behind a chair and poop. Of coarse my diapers and wipes are in the car downstairs and Joey's therapist should be walking out to get us any minute, and Sonny wants to be held. YUCK!!! Finally Joe goes into his appointment. Genna is still asleep, Tanner has taken up ballet in the middle of the room, Declan can't wait another minute for his breast. I get things calm and once again Sonny wants me. He starts to whine and hit me for the next 30 minutes. Genna wakes up and is yelling in her jabber at Sonny and I am ready to go. I wait until we are there fifty minutes and then quietly knock on the therapist door and ask if now would be a good time to go home. Joe's therapist is sweet and says it is, gave me a smile and let me take Joey home.

I have to hurry home. Mattias my friends 15 year old son with autism gets dropped off by school bus at 1230pm. I barely beat the bus. YEAH!!! I lay Declan down and he falls right to sleep. Thank God for such a good baby. I get the Mac and Cheese started as the bus drives up. Get T sitting with his lunch, feed the rest of the kids and now I'm sitting down.

For once I think I am glad to go back to work. I need a break.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Sonny's changes in play

I know I tell you a lot about Sonny. Right now he's changing so fast I'm afraid I'll forget what he was like when Declan starts running around. I hear from lots of mom's they don't remember the cute stages of their toddles when the baby comes. I never want Sonny to feel I forgot about him being an overwhelmed mother of three schoolers and two babies.

Sonny is defiantly not a child you can take your eyes off even for a minute as I have lived with his multiple ER visits. I don't want to forget how incredibly sweet, and smart he is as well, not to mention a force.

Today we went to the park again. I try to get him there a few times a week. We rotate the parks we go to so we don't get bored. Today we went to the big park in the center of Pleasant Hill. It was just Sonny, Declan and myself. I was brave and didn't use a stroller or a harness. Sonny surprisingly stayed with me and held my hand. He quickly met a child I'd say was about four and played with him. Not next to him in parallel play but with him. Sonny told the boy his name and they ran together to each of the different play areas, he then told another boy to come play with them. It amazed me that he was actually playing and including other children in his play.

One of the mothers of the two boys Sonny was playing with wanted to know when Sonny was going to be four. I smiled since Sonny isn't even two and a half yet.

Leaving the park was hard. Typical Sonny bolted when I told him it was time to go. People stared at me as I ran over mini hills carrying my chubby 21 pound baby Declan, chasing my super fast Sonny. Once I caught him my baby Sonny surprised me once again. Held my hard out to the parking lot where the car was parked, got in the car without a fight and into his car seat. I'm wondering now if I did miss the last part of him being a baby. He was a very big boy for me today.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

An odd list of things I want .

1. I want a 10 passenger van. Big family of little people I need more room.
2. Find work that keeps me home most of the time.
3. I want a clothes line.
4. I want a bigger garden of veggies that I can choose from all year long.
5. I want chickens. I have my whole life. My dad and I always wanted them.
6. I'd love a bread machine, but first a kitchen I can use all my cool machines in. Like my pasta machine, Warren's juicer, my mixer, oh and a bigger food processor would be nice.
7. I can't wait for my baby to be big enough to ride in my bike trailer. At the same time I can wait since I want to keep him a baby as long as possible.
8. I want someone to come in and organize my house, mostly toys so I can access them but not have to see them all the time.
9. I want to be able to send my kids to classes or sports and not have to worry if the money used will affect bills.
10. I'd love to get my hair cut.
11. A playground in the yard would be fun.
12. A composting class.
13. Time to finish my degree :-) but still be mom.
14. A couple of cats.

Hopefully I don't sound greedy. Just a wish list I can work towards. :-)

Monday, July 6, 2009

A little someone to be proud of

Marysa started a Engineering class today. The only girl in the class. Instead of coming home not wanting to hang out with a group of boys for the week she came home proud. Making me proud that my daughter likes what she is doing in a traditionally male dominated class. I could see her being an engineer. She's just that smart. She had an amazing excitement that she made some kind of engine. I can't wait to find out what's next. Go Marysa!

New Growth

On our Lutz Family farm that is. The kids enjoyed their first taste of the garden this week as the peas were ready. Yum! Here's are garden 6 weeks after out mastermind Joey came up with the idea.

Friday, June 19, 2009

update on the Farming Lutz'

About mid-May Joey talked me into a garden. It was suppose to be sun Flowers inspired by the seedling he started in his 1st grade class. Once we started we added peas. Then how could you have a garden without a tomato plant. Well from each added plant we added another until our garden was complete. In the end out plot of land 5 by 14 had added a lemon cucumber, a baby boo pumpkin, a zucchini, soy beans, and egg plant.

Then came the fear of will our garden would grow? I signed up for an organic gardening group for beginners. It's a great web site an you should check it out.

I watered my garden daily without fail, I fed my plants a liquid tomato and vegetable plant food by Miracle Grow. I plucked all the little seedling weeds out each day and I waited. The garden grew but not so much. The weather believe it or not was cloudy and windy. Then we had two days of real sun. Our garden grew. Mind you we still have no veggies to pick but I have a lot of hope. It's easy to hope when Joey is the biggest garden cheerleader with huge yelps of delight. "Mom did you see the tomatoes they are huge!"

Since the garden began we also germinated flowers and herbs in my kitchen window and have trans planted our seedlings in to a flower bed and pots on my front porch. They are growing. Not as big or as fast as our veggies but I get a little more excited each time I see they are a little bigger. Marysa had the great add-on idea for that. Tanner as much as she hates dirt even got her fingers a little dirty.

Four plus years ago when I met Warren we talked about my tiny little strawberry garden I had in front of my little house in Concord. He told me about this big garden he had in San Leandro. Some how I always feel like I am in his shadow. It must come from being the last of seven kids and feeling like everything is a competition. Even our sweet little garden. Last night Warren walked out to the garden. The first time I had seen him do that. I could feel my stomach racing like a judge or teacher was coming to grade me. I know, how weird and I? Warren said your garden has really taken off. That made me happy.

There will be more to come as the garden grows I'm sure so keep checking on it. I know I will, as I do several times a day.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Work, work, work, kids, kids, kids, and more work

I have 5 kids and a full-time job. Declan is six months old and my job as much as I don't like it has been good to me. I have been able to stay home with two of my babies and Joey for his adoption with the guarantee my job will be there when my bonding time is over.

I got hired there in July of 2000. Marysa was born in December of 2000. My office closed while I was on leave and I had a new job in a new office waiting for me when my leave was over. Mind you Marysa was only nine weeks old and I was only 25 I had a great paying job with great benefits waiting on me. Back then as much as I hated leaving my baby I had the drive to make sure she had every opportunity my parents gave me. They only thing she didn't have was her Mommy at home raising her.

Having Sonny two plus years ago coming back to work was really hard. After all I had this beautiful new baby and I had time to spend with Marysa, my dream. I got to see Joey turn into a different boy than the one I met and Tanner and I got to become friends. I stretched my baby bonding leave out with Sonny until he was 13 months old. Going to work a few weeks with my job and splitting it up with a few hours a weeks at a great job in Walnut Creek. When my time ran out I got lucky with a great daycare a few minutes from my work I could go spend my hour lunch with Sonny and it wasn't so bad.

Then I got pregnant. I found out in April 2008. Declan made me sicker than a dog. I took a lot of time off for morning sickness spending more time at home with my Sonny- Bun.

In December 2008 Declan was born.I didn't think I was going to be able to share my heart anymore but it opened up bigger and I fell in love with him.

I have five mouths to feed. A need for money to feed them and no desire to go back. I am trying to break my time up with Declan. I went back a few weeks in March and I'm back again for a few weeks now. All I can think about is how much I miss my babies. I wonder if Sonny in pinning for me like I am for him? If Declan is going to be like Marysa and need me to hold him all night long when I get home? Is Joey getting left out while the girls play? Are the girls even playing? How's my mom doing with my kids?

I'll be on my leave again in just a few short weeks. Full-time is waiting for me in the not so distant future. My heart already aches to be with my family and my efforts to work from home is getting smashed to bits in this economy. Once again my job is there for me when my time is up and my kids wont miss out on anything but their Mama home. Things wont be bad for them. I'll just miss them.

This one cracks me up

Another masterpiece by Joey.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Boys and their potty

Marysa was so easy when it came to having to go. She said potty and we would run to the potty and go. The only times I can remember her having an accident was me being in a hurry to get somewhere or long after all the training was complete she had a few so I took her to the doctor and she had a minor irritation.

Joey's potty training wont ever end. The poor kid had a ruff start with no one taking care of his toileting needs so when I got him at four years old he could only tinkle in the potty. He'll be eight soon and he can use the potty but chooses not to. We are seeing a professional.

Now here is Sonny's turn. First let's give him credit he's only two and a young two at that. He has peeped in the potty a few times and made poop-poop for Daddy once. He watches the Elmo potty video and plays on his potty fully clothed. Today we made a little more progress. Today my love bug yelled 'off diaper'. I asked if he had to go potty and he yells 'yes' and runs to the potty. He didn't go but we gave him a jellybean anyway. Then we decided to bring potty to watch TeleTubbies on and he sat there a good 20 minutes. No potty was made but he was smart enough when he was tired of sitting there to ask for a diaper. I love that kid. He really makes me laugh sometimes.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Sonny, My kids and Jesus

As anyone who has met Sonny knows he is a handful. He is a a force that is able to make my heart, sink to the bottom of my stomach, skip a beat, and be overcome by complete love. Sonny is my sweet guy.

He is also my wild child. He has caught black widows barehanded, sliced his hand open almost all the way down to his tendons and still cry to go back to the park. He wants kisses on a bloody knee or egg on his head so he can feel better to continue playing just as hard or harder.

He recently learned to open our front door. I am not even close to as fast as he is darting out our front door straight down our drive-way and left down the hill, right in the middle of the road. I was holding Declan and wearing flip-flops thinking got to catch him before someone drives up my hill. Thank God I caught him. The mail man who never returns my hellos laughs at me. My heart now firmly planted in the stomach surrounded by butterflies thanking God things weren't worse. My whole life would be different today if Sonny hit that road running full speed blindly as a car drove past. I am terrified of taking him out my front door.

There are so many things that have to be done on the other side of that door. Today it was a retirement party for Joey's first grade teacher in a park near a busy road. Crowds, Sonny and traffic don't mix. Twice I went into panic as he ran towards the road.

With Sonny clearly defined, and people including the new pastor of my church seeing him in action I asked the new pastor is he could post his sermon. Our church has a blog. He did.

Now this is the first time I have not heard a sermon but read it. Normally during a sermon my mind wonders no matter how hard I try to listen. My kids are fooling around, there's a noise, a new banner or something else. A good sermon my mind wonders when I try to prevent myself from crying. Now reading a sermon at my leisure is a totally different experience. I'm not the best reader and I may understand things differently when I read them than when I hear them spoken.

This particular sermon Pray like Jesus, PT 1. The opening jumps out at me. "how is it that we learn to pray?" That got me thinking not how is it that we learn to pray. I assume it's learned by example, but how do we learn what we are praying too. That is the guts of this sermon, the trinity.

Now my thoughts were not so much about the trinity in this sermon but my kids. I have five of them. Each unique. I try to expose them to what I believe by taking them to church when I can. I take them without help when we go. I pray with them, not as often as I should. I talk to them about what I believe in daily conversation, (An example would be God's promise not to flood the world again by giving us a rainbow. We talked about Noah and the floods. ) and answering questions that come up. My kids have hundreds of them. They all have different backgrounds after all my family is blended. Each of the girls have lives very different than the one they have at our home at their other parents home, Joey has his views and memories from being in different foster homes and then they have me and Warren who's beliefs are very opposite. There is enough noise to confuse anyone.

I think of my kids when I read this sermon. I pray that I learn the right information when read it. What I read is a potential question and I want to be clear with my belief and practice when I answer. After all my kids will be presented with all sorts of different information when it comes to God and religion.

Marysa is my mealtime prayer leader she seldom forgets, and she asks me questions like "Are we Jewish?". Tanner tells me about God sometimes but we haven't had that good heart to heart yet. Joey, my parents and I half joke about him becoming a preacher. He likes to learn about God by reading books with me or on his own. Ironically one of his favorites is: A Picture of God 3 in 1, by Joanne Marxhausen. A book that details how the trinity can be explained with an apple. I personally think it is a great book and would recommend it to anyone who doesn't understand them self or has young children. My little Sonny likes to sing Amen at the top of his lungs and loves the songs I sing to him about Jesus and God. You can hear him sometimes trying to join in. Declan is still just a gummy smiling baby. Sweet and kissable.

So back to the point I was trying to make. Surely no one can follow closely my twists and turns in my words. My point is I have something to be thankful for today in addition to all the many blessing my family and friends give me. I have a sermon I can read when I am trapped in my safe Sonny world. I often feel like I am not doing my job as a parent well when I don't take my kids to church and sometimes I feel like I need a little extra Jesus in my heart than at other times. I am glad I spoke up and was listened to. That our new pastor took the time to post his sermon not just for me but for all of us stuck at home for what ever reason.

Pastor if you read my words I really do appreciate it. I can't wait to talk to my parents about it this week. Sermons are usually a hot topic for me and my dad.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Joy and Pain of a large family

One of the joys of having a large family is you always have a built in party. My husband had a birthday and all but my wild two year old Sonny went out to Claim Jumper. Sonny stayed home with our dear friend Trevor a 12 year old boy and played hard and slept long.

The party was wonderful, the food the company the service.

The pain that follows a large family after one of these built in parties is Sonny is well rested at 5:00am and Mama has been up since then as well. Mama would be me, also planned a dentist appointment during his nap and hasn't recovered at 5:00pm from staying out late for her and getting up way to early.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Once again blown away

Joey was given a book at school. A chapter book, this is a big deal in First Grade. The book he choose is "How to Talk to Dads" by Alec Greven. What impressed me was not that he read the whole book and liked it but he did a Picture book report on it on his own freewill. It's detailed and very impressive. Don't you think so?

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

My boys

They found a mud puddle today. Joey who was clean told me Sonny fell in the mud. Nobig deal as long as he's not hurt. Two minutes later I poke my head into the yard where Joey and Sonny both look like walking mud pies. Their hair is caked, their shirts look like what I's imagine Harry the Dirty dog to look like after his adventure. You could make out eyes behind their faces of mud. Why oh why didn't I get that picture.

Joey was sent for two showers once the first one he forgot to wash his head and face. My bath tub after rinsing and washing Sonny looks like a sand box.

My boys are BOYS!!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Joey never stops thinking

My kid Joe has a natural talent for many things. Geometry is one of them. He's a sample of his work with Lego-Duplo blocks. He calls these Duplo people.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

I think I may just have happiliy ever after Mary's way

I know I rant about how much I love my family. I really do and today was no exception. From the moment I woke up this morning to my happy baby kicking and cooing to sitting here on my sofa watching Sleeping Beauty with the kids, I love my family.

My happily ever after is in the mid-day. I took my three sons to the park. I even gave in and went to a park with sand (I hate sand) and let them bring their buckets and shovels. About twenty minutes after getting to the park and good and dirty Warren shows up. Sonny asks to run so we make our way over to the field equip with a football. I felt like I was in an ending of a movie or some commercial that makes you tear up on father's day. I watched my kids run through the field with dad tagging each other and huge smiles on their faces. I even played football for a while with them.

OK maybe not a traditional happily ever after but I am grateful to have a husband who is a great Dad that loves his kids and me. This is my happily ever after.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I just don't get it?

Three days ago I spotted a beautiful rooster on a so-so busy corner in my neighborhood. I tried to call animal control at that time but it was too early and it was really not an emergency. Today I saw the same rooster again. The poor guy appears to be loosing his luster. I will be the first to admit I am terrified of birds but I have a soft spot for chickens.

I called animal control again today. They don't go out for an animal unless it's injured or you already have it confined. As much as a have a soft spot for chickens I fear a flocking rooster. My fear is stronger now that I watched Cold Mountain on CMT the only channel we have. OK I'm nuts but there was a scene were the rooster was attacking Nicole Kidman's character really makes me think this rooster likes where he is and would take those talons of his and shred me. I was shredded by a rabbit about 17 years ago trying to do the right thing and learned that lesson well.

Back to the phone call.I asked if there is anyone I could call, the call-in line mentioned I could call the Sheriff for livestock. The woman told me they meant if a cow got out and was blocking a road.

Hear I am now worried about a rooster as if I had any room in my already child filled life to worry about anything else. What do I do? How do you catch a rooster? I thought about putting a wanted ad on hoping some 4H cowboy/girl could help this rooster then I thought about the 2nd rooster scene in Cold Mountain. Where some crazy co-star wandering working chick said she hated a flocking rooster walked over an pulled his head off. I would never forgive myself in my desire to save this animal if I red-flagged the guy for some nut job to come and pull his head off or fight him.

There has got to be some thing that can be done for this animal. I'm even worried about him not getting any food or another animal getting him. Somehow I thought animal control took in chickens. I swear I've seen photos for them near the volunteer desk at the shelter. They seem to take in everything else? It must be budget cuts!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

My brother

I have a brother who is eleven years older than me. He has issues with drugs and alcohol. For the most part I keep my distance from him pretty well. Yet my life is intertwined with his. I am raising his son. He is homeless and chooses the outer area of my neighborhood to live in. Not often and always totally unprepared I do run into him.

Today was no exception. Joey and I have been working hard on our garden a half a week now. Slowly finding out what we need. Today we needed a cage for our tomato plant we bought yesterday. My two year old was asleep and my husband home so we seized the moment to be able to run in and grab what we needed at the neighborhood Ace hardware. We got our cage, duct tape, and a much needed fly swatter after adding chicken manure to the garden. Out the door we walked right into my brother, Joey's biological father.

I can't smile when I him since he makes my blood boil knowing how much my Joey has been through and how much work he's done to grow into the great little boy he is now. Jonathan gets so proud to tell us Jimmy is graduating and he has only 10 tickets and Jimmy gave him one. Part of me is sad for Jimmy since I just talked to him the other day about what role Jonathan hasn't played in his life. Jonathan wants me to wait so I can meet his friend. Crap......... I can't stand to meet another tweaked out freak. I have to go, no I don't want to hug you, please don't cry. Why wont my car door open fast enough to load our stuff and run?

My brother make me feel things I can't even describe, nothing good and I wish after seeing him a shower or something would make the whole experience go away.
Now I just worry what running into Jonathan will do to my son Joey?

Friday, May 15, 2009

The Lutz farming family

Wednesday Joey got in my car and had all this information on growing sun flowers. I asked if he'd like to grow some.

Of coarse he did. We had two hours until Marysa got out of school so we stopped by Ace hardware and got two packs of seeds. One pack of sun flowers and one pack of Sugar Peas. We came home and got our ziplock bagies out and started wetting cotton and mixing them with seeds and taping the open baggies to our window. I took a Math and Science class for preschool aged kids a few years back and remembered doing it as one of our projects.

After picking up Marysa from school we started preparing our garden area in the back yard. We got raked grass cut grass away and pulled the rest out by hand, and took out the garden claw and turned soil. By the time dinner was ready the kids had the garden area off to a really good start.

Warren told me I needed chicken manure to finish getting the soil ready. We got that today. Pew! Thank good the garden store is right off the freeway and so is our house. The smell made my eyes water. Today some of our seeds started to spout as well.

I feel like a little kid full of excitement, starting this project with my kids is fun. I called my parents and my dad could remember growing a veggie garden with his Mom when he was in second grade. My dad is 73 years old telling me he remembers looking every day for the garden to start growing and when it did how excited he got. He told me his favorite part was growing baby carrots.

Next on our list is composting and a tomato cage, who knows maybe well get crazy and grow a bigger garden sometime in the side yard.

Thursday, May 14, 2009


I always find my self wanting to leave.

As a kid it was threats of running away, my bike for long bike rides, or jumping BART and going to Ocean beach in San Fransisco.

Then my Mom would change my mind or come get me because I was to far or tired.

I graduated and couldn't wait to leave. I went away to Junior College in Redding CA. A few months later I wanted to leave and come home. Then I was home again wanting to leave.

I met a guy who wanted to leave his roommates. I left with him. Then I battle to leave him year after year each time compromising and moving with him to different place. As much as I battled to leave him he left my heart first so I asked him to physically leave. Then I battled to leave my mind with a few bottles of wine. I ended up not being able to leave. I had people who depended on me. I stayed.

Then I met a new adventure and decided to leave. I moved my dependents, cats, and dogs in to a new house with a new heart. I got married. Shortly after I wanted to leave. Only some of them left instead. Each time I battled to leave I found a reason to stay. My nephew, my son, my pregnancy, my love. He says he loves my staying power. That keeps me feeling full.

My staying power keeps me a mother, my staying power keeps my love new. My staying power has earned me balance, and big changes in my life that don't require an impatient feeling of leaving but a stronger feeling of staying and changing my world right where I am to please me.

I am thankful I no longer feel like I need to leave. That I can stay, at least for a while.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Me Day

I love Mother's Day. Every year my family is sweeter than the year before. This year stated with Joey buying me a cup of coffee at Starbuck's with my money. Go figure. Followed by a rant about how he hates his life. Pretty typical of Joey since everyday is the worst day ever with all the fun and laughing he does when he's not telling me about all his woes.

I then went to pick up Marysa from her Dad's house. She wore my favorite dress, cut three beautiful roses from her Dad's yard and made me a giant card covered with hearts and I love you Mom all over it. My favorite part was on the back of the card she drew a heart with Mary/Mom written in it. Very tiny she wrote optional. I asked her what that was for and she told me some people call me Mary and some called me Mom so it was optional.

Warren took Sonny with him to the office to drop off some work and met me back at the house. He took me out to eat at my favorite Mother's Day spot. Black Bear Diner. The wait is always to long but I love the corned beef hash. The service is bad and Sonny is only two and started acting up long before we got our meal.My sweetheart took him outside and let me eat in peace. I then went out to the car against his wishes and watched Sonny so he could eat.

After brunch we came home. Warren offered to pick me up a Rubin at Noah's just in case I needed some more spoiling. I put Sonny down for a nap and Marysa hung out with Declan while I took a nap. When Declan started to fuss he came in and napped with his old Ma.

I woke up happy. Sonny wanted to snuggle a minute then we hit the sprinklers. To my surprise we were able to play without fighting. The days not over but I sure love my husband and kids and wish everyday could be Mother's Day.

Friday, May 8, 2009

We're going to the park today

I've been home since the end of October 2008. Recovering and bonding with my now 5 month old Declan, studying to become an Accountant, and setting up a new business as a daycare provider, and being an active part in each of my kids lives. Volunteering when I can, setting up play dates, regaining control of my house that was previously dominated by children messes, building school projects, doing homework and reading more than I thought possible. My life doesn't have time to be a person, so I take the kids to the park every few days. Most the time Mateo's Dream park on the corner of Olivera and HWY 242 sometimes we hit other parks. I do this for two reasons, OK maybe a few more reasons. First my kids need a chance to be free and release energy and just be kids. Second this is where I get adult interaction.

I've met wonderful people at the park and people that just scare me. This is where kids say the darnedest things.

One woman one day at the park had a lovely conversation. We talked about children and their imagination, having babies close in age, feeling like you mastered one stage of childhood and then it's changed. She then told me her daughters will be getting Norplant when they are 14 year because she doesn't want to feel like Sarah Palin. Wow that ended a lovely chat quickly as I gathered my clan and ran.

Kids love a baby. Especially little girls around 4ish. A very sweet young lady came over to meet Declan. She asked me what's the baby's name and giggled Duck-land. She told me she liked his hair and asked to pet him. Then she sat next to me and told me she calls her Mom stinky butt and she has an Uncle stinky-butt too. Then she scurried off to play.

Another woman I met at the park was raising her Grand-daughters. She told me the Mama had trouble with drugs and the Daddy had been deported. She told me people have a special place in heaven who take on the burden of raising a child in need. Then she told me those little girls have a 1 year old brother she's trying to get as well. The woman was a saint. She never raised her voice and the girls listened and acted as she asked them too. She also told me she was so tired she lost her footing at home and fell, she crawled into her home and watched her arm become very swollen and wasn't sure how she was going to get her arm looked at so she didn't. I never know why people open up with a helpless situation to me. This lady I hope to meet again.

The same day a little boy about 7 or 8 told me that he was having the best day. His Mama bought him his favorite cereal Trix and he got to keep the Lego car toy.

Another day I ran into my friend who works at Noah's Bagels. He's a special guy who wipes down the table. He likes to sit on my bench and tell me how he walks to work from Napa everyday. That his Mom is who he lives with and she has over 100 kids. No matter where I move or if I talk to him or not he always smiles at me walks over to my bench sits down and tells me unbelievable stories about his family.

Then there are days at the park when I think I need to stop going. Days like the day my daughter used the restroom about 30 feet from me, clear view but I can't hear. A woman is yelling does anyone have a little boy missing. It's my daughter screaming. She locked her self in the restroom. No one talks to you after that.

My Sonny sings with me when he knows it's a park day. I love his voice. We sing. We're going to the park today, we're going to the park. Where all the children laugh and play we're going to the park today. He joins in at the words Park and Play.

I'm greatful for the sun, my kids and parents who take the time to take their kids to the park, and thankful they take the time to tell me their thoughts.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Oh Sonny my peeing genius

I'm never sure what Sonny will do next. I know a mother should be two steps ahead of junior. Sonny is nothing like his older brother or sisters. I have been to the ER with Sonny 4 times, that is 3 more times than Joey or Marysa. He can do things a lot earlier than his siblings too but in a 2 year old sort of way. Big footed and fearless he climbs trees, scales cabinets to get on the counter, gets food out of our trash that is fenced off, opens child safety locks and can get out of his clothes a lot faster than I can get them on.

Here are some of my favorite potty training stories. A few months back I got Sonny a Potty and a Elmo video that talks about Potty time. He went potty in the potty a few times and pooped once. We were on our way. Until Sonny learned to take off his diaper when he had to go. Now he has his own ideas. He crawled into the dog's bed and peed, he has peed on walls and the carpet, and his new skill and my favorite he can unfasten his diaper while they are still in his clothes so he can keep the diaper dry and pee all over everything else.

He is always so proud to tell me he feels ucky and smiles and gives me a big hug. Sonny is my peeing genius.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Bedtime and Musical beds

I am either a great Mom or need to be locked up with all the other Mommies that have lost to the kids.

About 7pm each night our crazy bedtime routine begins. I send Joey to get his PJs on and give Sonny his bottle. I know a two year old with a bottle. My doctor told me to cold turkey that one but it what keeps me sane. 7:30pm Sonny starts to figure bedtime is coming to he starts running as fast has he can anywhere I can't catch him. Dad usually catches him and passes him back to me. We all take turns kissing him goodnight then I take him to bed tell him I love him and I'll see him in a few hours. Shut the door while he screams Mom! at me and a second later he's quiet.

Next I nurse Declan. Change a diaper and lay him down in his bed and listen to him talk until he falls asleep. Easy kid.

Until 8:30 I watch TV Joey's choice. He is really good at letting himself quietly into his room and going right to sleep.

So far sounds pretty easy doesn't it. 830 the girls are to lay down. Ideally 9 o'clock lights are out and they are asleep. Never happens.
Tanner usually cries for either her mom or dad about this time, her rash itches, or life just isn't fair and bedtime is the best time to tell us about it.
Marysa is thirsty, doesn't remember eating dinner, has to find some missing stuffed animal, has a stomach ache or just can't sleep and softly cries.
About 10 I can usually confirm they are sleeping.

About 11 Sonny wakes up. "Mom. Mom. Hold you............" If it goes on past 20 minutes he ends up in my bed so I can sleep. I'll stay there on the edge if Declan doesn't wake up too. If our house gets to cold at night or Declan pees all over the place. Me or Warren will bring Declan in our bed. At this point I have no room. If the girls are at their other parents house I will take go sleep in their bed. If they are both here I will crawl in bed with Marysa. She likes that. She's a snuggler. If Tanner wakes up Warren will go sleep with her, if he doesn't wake up I go sleep with her. If I am in bed with either girl and Sonny wakes up again and Declan is in my bed I take Sonny back into his room and crawl into the bottom bunk with him. Joey sleeps through all this every night. However he is such a hard sleeper he thrashes and the bunk bed shakes. Not a good sleep.

Did I mention I'm a tired Mom and would love a nap. I don't get them nearly enough but will grab one when I can.

Oh did I mention Sonny is up with the sun unless he's asleep on me in my bed.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

I did it.

I got my first paid job at my home with an actual client. Sure it was a drop-in but if they like me I may have another drop-in. I liked the kids. I liked the work. My house has never been so clean. I feel good. I did it.

Now to get another client and finish school.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

when you get caught up in what's in front of you miss the bigger picture.

Just over two years ago I went on disability to have my first son Sonny. I brought him in the office not even six weeks old to see my friends. It was the last time I saw my friend Michelle. I came back to work a couple weeks at a time for about a year before coming back full time when Sonny was 13 months old. Michelle wasn't in the office. I wasn't worried due to her being in and out of the office in the past. I then found out I was pregnant with my second son Declan and was really sick. I didn't stay at work everyday and finally was pulled out of work when Sonny was 19 months old. While I was out of the office our sister office closed and I asked if she was moved to the new office. I was told she moved. Not a soul told me Michelle had cancer and was out of the office over a year. This morning I opened Facebook to find out Michelle had passed. I am happy she isn't in pain but my heat feels like someone is squeezing it. I am so sad. Michelle was a beautiful person. We often joked about silly things like how we needed to date geeks and be on a coffee call list. I missed talking to Michelle while I've been out with my babies but didn't give it much thought. Now my heart aches I wont ever see her again. God bless Michelle, her family and friends. Michelle I was blessed to have you in my life and will miss you.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Good idea is to go Green

Bad idea is to forget to check the weather report before hanging the cloth diapers out to dry.

Monday, April 6, 2009

First is the worst

First let me say my body had a moment I think I left it. I had my first interview with a potential client today. She responded to my ad on From the moment I woke up this morning my stomach was in knots. I was hoping my house was in the same condition it was when I went to bed so I could do a quick vacuum and mop of the kitchen floor and wait. Of coarse there was more to do and I couldn't find my floor cleanser. After I dropped off the kids at school Christina was waiting for me. I let her hold Declan completed my quick cleaning. She headed off to school and I played with Sonny and Genna while I waited. The client rolls up a few minutes past our appointment time. No children just two other women with her. I'm sure my eyes rolled in the back of my head and I began to babble. All I can remember was Sonny wanted a bear and Genna wanted me to wear a bike helmet. I think they were here only a few minutes and they were gone. As soon as I said my good byes I could feel my stomach turn and I almost lost it. Hopefully I wasn't as bad as I thought and I will have a client.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

People people can feel weird as well.

Today in the on going list of tasks completed to get my daycare license I took a First Aid class. First aid hasn't changed much since I took it six or seven years ago. Except one major thing I was not ready for. They have you partner up not just to immobilize broken limbs and pretend to stop bleeding but now you physically roll your partner and do a full body check for injury. I can only speak for myself. It freaked me out really good, to touch someones hair, look in their eyes, touch their neck and shoulders no big deal. Touching their breast bone, lower ribs and hips really surfaced some boundaries issues with me. I pretended and said spoke what I was pretending to touch and it still gave me the ick factor. That wasn't the worst we then had to learn to roll someone passed out with and without a neck injury from their back to their side. I much prefer the neck injury to the just passed out guy. I had a strange woman take my arm and lay it across my chest. I'm sure for the normal person no big deal but I'm nursing and not a natural size. I got the look form my partner... where in the hell does the arm go. I finally just moved my own arm. Holy cow talk about crossing over the line into the uncomfortable zone. I have already recruited Warren for my partner in the renewal class two years from now.
The sad part is I don't think I can help someone in need that isn't a child or someone I know for fear of this line crossed. It was so much easier in my last class when we rolled dummies and not people. I could have been a hero to someone with that training, I think.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

California Acadamy of Science

Since January I have been trying to get into the "New" California Academy of Science. Let me tell you the place is so much more popular than it was when they had the old building. The first time we went was January 2nd. The line was so long you couldn't see an end. We went to de Young instead. I would recommend de Young to people without the kids or with older kids. I went with my troop, they were good but not really that interested. Warren seemed to like it. A great place to try out his new camera.

We then tried again Valentine's Day. We got in after about 30 minutes in the members only line. As much as I enjoyed talking with some science teachers from the Richmond school district the kids got very antsy. The building was crowded Warren and I got separated and it took almost an hour to reconnect. Our kids were hot, tired and cranky. We could not wait to leave.

I am very persistent and thought maybe a weekday would work better. Could not find a single adult that could go during the week. I almost gave up when Tuesday night I found out my daughter had a minimum day the same day Joey always gets out of school early. I picked up the kids and we left to the Aquarium. Just me, two schoolers, a preschooler and a baby. It was a quick drive at 1230pm to get there. The directions from the website worked perfect. There was parking and no line to get in. We explored the Philippine coral reef, saw the taxidermy animals I remembered as a child and walked around the swamp and aquarium. About two hours after we arrived it started getting busy so we weren't able to see the rain forest or the living roof, leaves something for next time and more I'm sure. We did see some really cool Bat rays and skates, an albino alligator from above and beneath and see a cool show with a diver in a huge fish tank. Over all if you're a scientist at heart get a membership, break up your visit into a few trips and have fun.

I loved it and my kids seemed to enjoy them selves as well.