Monday, November 22, 2010

Blended Family of 5: Tonight blog is about my husband, my new word and pictures with the webcam.

Tonight blog is about my husband, my new word and pictures with the webcam.

My sweet heart loves me. He always buys me my favorite cheep wine. Yes the infamous Two Buck Chuck. Well today we joked about Charles Shaw's Nouveau Red table wine. The fun-est part of the wine is the idea we know nothing about wine. LOL. Apparently via wikipedia Nouveau wine is a lot cooler that we thought. As Warren joked that it is possibly a mix of all the wine Trader Joe's couldn't sell. It is a wine made with grapes grown in Germany that is sold the third Thursday of November. Seeing that the 3rd Thursday just past I'm excited to see if it is as exciting as I think it should be. As should you all who enjoy a truly cheep drink.

First the bottle is a fun shape. Festive I suppose. The wine is a deep purple......border line pink. It's tart and light. I can truly say it meets my well formed pallet for a treat a super cheap wine should be.

Get your walking shoes on and get to the nearest Trader Joe's. Treat your self to my new seasonal, tasty and fun beverage. All my besties know my over active brain is thinking of a cheap wine tasting party. Come on ladies share with me your favorite and we can have a tasting party.

Thanks Warren. Again I love it! And you infinity peanuts.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

At the risk of sounding crazy I want to talk about Fear.

The top fears in my home rationalized or not they are real.

I fear birds. Big ones, little ones, caged ones, trained ones and wild ones scare me white! With the exception of chickens . A few short bird stories to make you giggle... but have given me nightmares.

Once upon a time I had an upstairs apartment. The top of a beautiful tree was near the walk to my front door. A tiny little nest was in this tree with a tiny little humming bird couple and the nest of tiny little eggs. Every time I left or came home I felt much like how Gilligan must have felt being attacked by all the tiny little people in his travels. I was dive bombed by flying needles. I woke my neighbors with blood curdling screams.

Story two....... Sonny was a small baby able to sit but not crawl. I had just picked the kids up from school and was entering my house I walked straight into the kitchen to see out of the corner of my eye a finch sitting on my printer. I fell to the ground and started screaming save me. My hero Joey walked to the sliding back door and opened it. Out went the tiny bird. The kids where laughing so hard I'm sure my parents heard them in Fresno, dad's hearing aid off.

Last bird story..........A beautiful summer day Warren took me to the Tea Garden's in San Fransisco. We were having a nice chat when I felt something staring at me. I turned my head to be looking eye to eye with a Pigeon. I jumped and screamed. Warren now knew my biggest fear and still married me. Since then he's seen me drop and duck more than once in fear of BIRDS!!!

Joey's fear is of weirdos. I'm not sure if that's him, his experiences or me? We adopted Joey about 4 years ago from Foster Care. I was/am a paranoid mother who is fearful that somewhere in our county his biological mother lives and is capable of kidnapping him. So I put Joey and the girls in a self defence class that focused on strangers and bullies that was age appropriate. I had a private conversation with the instructor about Joey and how we needed to include people we know can be strangers as well. The kids and I looked up people in our neighborhood that were registered offenders and talked about how even nice people can be bad. Then I went as far as talking about aunts and uncles and family friends could be strangers. Mostly because Joey is my brother's biological son, Joey often refers to him as Uncle Jonathan. . Seams pretty healthy to me, until Halloween came. We went to a few houses in our neighborhood. At first he was into it. Running from door to door asking for candy with the girls and saying thank you. Then it became running to a door asking for candy and then thanking the person and yelling to them to WATCH OUT FOR WEIRDOS. Then it turned in to not wanting to go up to houses at all and locking all his muscles and me having to carry a very stiff and frightened Joey a half a mile home. This happens every year now unless he goes with Warren. Joey's fear of strangers is so strong it's impresses me. He sticks to me like glue and can not go into areas he knows are safe unless they are well lit.

My second oldest feared germs. She would wake up in the middle of the night needed to wash her hands and crying out terrified about germs being on her. The park became no fun for a while until she forgot about the germs and hand sanitizer is necessary to keep close at hand. She is not so bad now that she is older but for a while I feared when she would worry what had germs on it in a panic.

Sonny is very close to total potty training success, except for the creatures that live in public restrooms. He is so convinced they exist he will cry uncontrollable until removed from the restroom not mattering if it is you or him going. We take short trips now in diapers, he hates them. Occasionally he will try to pee somewhere in public like on the side of the play structure. We definitely have our work cut out on stamping out this fear.

Marysa I fear, fears nothing. This can be good and bad. My fear is that she will try something dangerous like bolting out in to a parking lot as she did in kindergarten or taking off to ride a ride in an amusement park without notice as she did at both at Santa Cruz Boardwalk and Six Flags Discovery Kingdom. (Marine World) or take a walk to a local park and not asking me. My favorite how she doesn't fear fire,often getting way to close for my comfort. I swear that this child will be the cause of ulcers in her mother one day.

Declan's fears have yet to come. I think he's just to young or maybe a Marysa junior. Time will tell.

Then there is my love. He fears flying. He does well to build up courage to fly but I always get the very real good-byes and we have never flown together as our children need a parent if something happens. He's been listening to some kind of self hypnosis that he says helps so maybe Hawaii is in our future together?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

So much work for so little satisfaction

This one is for the dieters and the ones who care only to torture themselves.

The Pomegranate. Fruit or enemy. I guess Warren and I at different locations had the same "fun" idea. We both picked up a few pomegranates at the store. We are fans of the juice, I made some great jam 5 plus years ago, they will be fun for the kids to eat.

Well the kids are at school. I'm in need of a snack. Hmmm I think I'll have a red ripe plump pomegranate. I pull out my super large Ginsu. (I know, but it's a great knife.) Cut the fruit in half. Tons of ruby colored seeds, my mouth is already for this tasty treat.

I get out the spoon and start scooping the seeds into a cup. With every scoop there is some nasty white colored skin thing I have to remove. Fifteen minutes later I am still doing the same thing until I give up. What's a little of the white stuff in with my treat. I bet it doesn't taste that bad? WRONG! It's bitter and hard. I was able to scoop maybe 1/3 a cup of seeds out that equals maybe 5 bites looking at every spoon full to get the tiny little specs of white skin off before eating. I'm glad I didn't go with plan B: the juicer. Or plan C let the kids do it?

It left a juicy stained mess on the cutting board. I have tiny dots of stains all over my shirt and next time POM is getting my 4 bucks. They earned it. Not my favorite do it your self fruit.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Haven't had one in over a year

Marysa and Tanner had a sleepover with a team mate from soccer. We decided to get Papa Murphy's Take 'n Bake. The bottoms of the pizzas never cooked. The bottom coil in our oven died. So I called the repair man. He told us the oven was so old the part wasn't made any longer. Since we rent and no one likes a land lord to come for a visit we didn't fix it.

Then my dad called. He said he got me a turkey. I told him we didn't have a working oven. He said he got me a turkey. Oh GREAT! Frozen turkey that will never get used coming to my house. Then my dad brought it over with a giant roaster. WOW! That's gonna take up space. Warren whispers "Can we sell it?" Nope. Dad now wants to come over for a turkey dinner.

My Mom came over and we had to figure out how to cook a turkey in a roaster. Well #1 the turkey wont brown unless you make some weird browning liquid. So we decided to make the turkey green. I injected it with Trader Joe's Goddess salad dressing. It was the best flavored turkey ever. It was green. Awesome sliced, in sandwiches, cut in salad and I HATE turkey.

The roaster deserved a second chance. I have been cooking everything in it. From the store bought frozen foods to meats and casseroles. Breads and cakes not so good. One kitchen experiment after the next. Tonight's was toasting pumpkin seeds. Took way longer but are just as good. I'm going to say 1 1/2 hours in the roaster.

Over all if you need an oven and doesn't look like it's going to happen soon get a roaster. It will be the most useful eyesore you ever get.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

When the cats away the mice will clean?

First I need to describe my husband in a nut shell. He's brilliant, smart, independent, motivated, focused and a It's good money and I couldn't be more proud. With that said I need to also explain 5 children in this "work" environment is not a match.Six hours a day the 3rd and 4th grade kids are at school. Good! Eleven hours a day my 22 month old and 3 1/2 year old are at daycare/preschool. Good!? I'm at work plus commute those eleven hours. :( OK we have nice cars and kid supplies coming our our ears. A modest home in a good neighborhood where the 7 of us live together. The house while my writer is writing needs to have a consistent level of quiet. For the most part we have that part in check as well. Sounds perfect. HA!

I commute. He works and then 3 independent dependants come home. They snack, the food gets left out and spills aren't cleaned. They do their homework and the pencils, glue, scissors, etc come out and don't get put away. They change their clothes and the dirty ones fall where ever and lay. Their shoes come off by the front door and jackets and back packs crowd our entry way. Oh and ideas for worm mazes and kitchen experiments come alive. Then there is restless destruction, rolling on the couch, chair or floor tossing throw pillows and blankets all over the place. Then I come home with the "Hi Guys!" boys. Who run and kick the block towers down, pull diapers of and run naked, jump on unmade beds pushing what they can on the floor. Then we eat dinner and dishes already in the sink get combined with the new dinner dishes. There could be soccer and this part could start 13 to 14 hours after I left that morning. Then we have baths. Towels, uniforms and dirty clothes added get added to the piles . Melt downs about not watching their favorite shows, forgetting homework at school and not wanting to read happen and some times tempers flare throwing something more on to my floors. Oh yeah and 3 of the 5 still have bed wetting accidents. Two of the five you can never get to bed and are capable to adding more to the work every minute their eyes remain open.

I usually try to pick up as much as I can enlisting the help of who ever I can grab. Laundry gets run every morning and night . Dishes unloaded and loaded in the dish washers every night and ran. Not ever enough. There is so much to do. I can usually get a few loads of clothes folded. Needless to say we need to vacuum, mop, dust clean bathrooms, kitchens and bed rooms. ELIMINATE CLUTTER! and still have time for a bike ride, trip to the park , birthday parties and play dates. Walk the dog? Soccer games and volunteering.

All has to be done quietly. LOL If your guessed it only a fraction ever is complete. Not because we're lazy. Warren with his work and me with the kids and a full-time job our calendars are full and I don't sit much at all.

My window has opened for a major catch up and I'm working it. HARD!!!! Tanner is scared of her room so in addition to the over due I need to flip flop her's and Marysa's room with Joey's.

Warren left to Atlanta on Sunday and will be home Wednesday. In this time I have gone to 2 parent-teacher conferences, had my carpets cleaned, moved 3 beds, 3 dressers, 2 toy boxes, cleaned my main bathroom clean enough to eat in including replacing the old toilet seat, washed 8 loads of laundry and put away, bagged items for goodwill, cleaned the dog house, decorated the yard with ghosts, learned new 4th grade math, sprayed the weeds in the yard with weed killer, trimmed the front bushes, blogged 3 times, replaced knobs in the kitchen. I still have to deep clean the master bathroom and replace the toilet seat, thin out the toys, clean the room Joey moved into from left over girl trash, go to a job interview, move the crib out of my room and put in Joey's, clean my room and relax unless I forgot something. Oh yeah and the kids get out early every day this week. Lucky me. I can do this because I'm not working and who cares how loud the kids get. HA! My sweetheart will come home to a house he can renew some pride in. It's the least I can do.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Mixed feelings, confussion or just motherhood

My daughter...... oh wow is she her own person. Part of me is so happy that she is and the other half is hurt. I can't figure out how my Mom became my best friend if I can't even connect with my little princess some times. I am so old and un-cool. Marysa is 9 3/4 going on leaving my house and starting her own life. She doesn't show me a lot of my baby girl anymore. Somehow I still try and treat her that way. I still want to give her too much explanation so she gets conversations and cut her off when she tries to talk. She's always calling me on it. She doesn't play dolls but she collects stuffed animals, only everything is hi-tech, her animals Webkinz needs a computer to make her animals come alive. My computer isn't even good enough for her. Not to mention the Beiber fever. No clue what I'm going to feel like when there is a real boy and not just a Teen Bop poster boy. I guess my little girl is more diva than I thought. I worry I'm not raising her right. I'm worried that I try to be her friend and the mothering gets in the way and visa versa. I worry what lessons and values she'll take from me into her own life. I have big dreams for her and one day I'll have to give those dreams up and support her dreams she doesn't even know she has yet.
I had her Parent Teacher conference at school today. I always get that feeling like when watching a good tear jerker and hope the teacher can't see it. Marysa is excelling across the board. Reading at a 7th grade level and bringing up wanting to take chemistry classes to become a Vet. The teacher conference was about 10 minutes told me how smart she is and how she is nothing to worry about. I guess my baby girl who won my heart with the first look see gave me is now my responsible wonderful young lady who I am very proud of.

I will follow him

Declan does what Sonny does. Good vs Bad. Sonny is my wild child after all. Luckily Declan does not keep up and is distracted pretty easily.

Now potty training....... ha ha ha. Declan wants to go when Sonny does. Makes things very easy. They both grab there diapers and yell peeing when they have to go. We all run to the potty. Sonny on the big potty, Declan on the small Elmo potty. Sonny usually goes Declan usually just sits.

No number 2 accidents for Sonny for a few months now. He will get lazy from time to time and just pee where he be. Couple of main reasons are the creatures that live in public restrooms, the potty seat is cold or my favorite "I DON'T WANT TO MOM!" Usually when we are at home I have him go any way. He has graduated to vinyl covered training pants. We are on day 3 and it's progressing nicely. This morning again the potty seat was cold and he was not going to use it. We talked about how boys can stand up to pee. That tickled a funny bone and he giggled. Now the challenge was getting him to try. Cheerios targets. LOL he dropped about 60 in the potty so he couldn't miss and couldn't get his body to work. Fifteen minutes of trying and the spring finally broke through. He shoot a stream straight up into the air. WOW! How fun but he needed to reload.

My newest fear........Declan didn't see that. The day is short potty training. How do you explain to a 22 month old a 3 year old is big enough to stand but you really need to sit down. YIKES!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Long time past

I've been spending a lot of time talking about my job and not a lot on being a mother of 5. I'm going to go back to when I was a new mother of 3. Back in 2005 I was newly married to my sweet Warren. I had a beautiful little girl and brand new step daughter and even more recently acquired my little boy Joey from Foster care. Joey came to live with us December 13, 2005 and was having my daughters 5th birthday Saturday the 17th. Complete with a Pink Pony bouncy house on the rainiest day of the year.

The party was interesting to say the least. My sisters, my sister in-law, my daughter her cousins, my wild new son, my husband, step daughter and my husbands ex-mother-in law. A little ambitious I suppose. The kids had fun playing on my girls new bunk beds and snacking on cheese and broccoli turkey meat balls. The bouncy house went almost untouched as it was wet and cold. All the Mom's sat in the living room talking and the ex-grandma went room to room taking pictures.

I was exhausted and a little frazzled. The kids where hot and sweaty and having a blast. My sister in-law and War's ex-ma and Tan left. My Mom, Dad and brother (Joey's biological father) showed up. Ready to get out we loaded up the cars and when to see Christmas lights. Loading my car with kids in car seats reaching across the seat I noticed some extreme tenderness in my stomach. After stopping to see Santa at a local light show in the neighborhood saying my good-byes to the rest of the party I took a pregnancy test.

OMG!!! I was pregnant. I yelled out in excitement. Years earlier I was told after my daughters birth I would probably not have another child. Warren and I decided to keep it quite. I told my Mom who told my Dad who told everyone I'm sure. Went to m fist prenatal filled out all the paperwork and met my doctor. She took a quick ultrasound. Hmmm looks about 12 weeks......hmmm maybe you should come back next week to confirm this pregnancy is viable.

VIABLE! What's that? Well the baby had no heartbeat. Apparently it could be that we caught it to early. January 17, 2006 I was driving to work and was really tired. I took 2 hours off that morning flattened the backseat out in my car and took a nap right in the office parking lot. When I actually walking into work I had to pee and my paper was covered in dark red blood. I let the attendance manager know I thought something was wrong in my pregnancy and called my doctor. The told me I should be able to work as long as there wasn't anymore blood I could come in the morning. Well 4ish the blood came back and there was purple globs. I left right away and called my husband and mother to go get my kids. Warren and I spent a few hours as the ER until I was wheeled down to diagnostic imaging where I was told by the chief neurologist that my baby still did not have a heart beat. I had the choice of letting things happen naturally or they could help me along. I still had hope even though it was hopeless and choose to go home and rest. I laid at home for two days crying still nothing happened. No more bleeding or cramps and choose to go back to work. Well driving home it happened. I screamed out in the worst pain I had ever been in. Got to my children's daycare where I ran to the bathroom. It happened my lifeless little fetus came out. The physical pain ended and the emotional began.

I sat up night after night in search of a on-line support group for women who miscarried. I even tried to start one on I got quick sympathy but no one was out there wanting to talk. Warren would come out and watch me cry night after night searching on the computer. I never felt so alone. My mother tried to comfort me as she also had a similar but more extreme experience. Somehow nothing helped. Warren begged me to get help and I did not.

Six months later we where pregnant again. I was neurotic about my pregnancy. To the point my doctor called my husband and asked if I was mentally OK. I ended up having to see someone about the tremendous fear I had about something going wrong with this pregnancy.

Have you ever heard the story of the boy who cried wolf? That was me terrified every few weeks something was wrong. I was very sick and my baby was very alive each time I went in for more fluid or a medicine to keep me from puking. I was put on an anti-anxiety medication and I calmed down some to stop crying in fear every time I sneezed. By the 3rd trimester I knew every triage nurse by name. By week 32 Dr. Dillar in an attempt to calm me I'm sure told me that if my baby was born he was developed enough to survive and it the cord was wrapped around his neck he still would be fine. I finally could relax. The doctors took me off work and I began to clean. Nesting right? Well I'm a super nest-er I guess I moved my rooms around, cleaned from top to bottom only stopping when I passed out to sleep. Warren wanted to go out for one last guys night before baby came in 5 weeks. Reasonable I thought. Until 30 minutes after he left I started to contract. 33 weeks into it. I called him and he came home with his buddy Carl.

Well I was in labor 5 weeks early. Ok 5 weeks and 5 days. the hooked me up to the triage monitors and my baby was unresponsive. No acceleration or movement. They had me drink juice. Still he did nothing. They buzzed my stomach with a fetal alarm still nothing. I then got pitocin. A few hours on it baby started to move. I was 3cm dilated and Warren and I where talking about going home with the doctor. I relaxing and waiting on one last check when I knew he was coming out. OMG! The nurse came in and told us to hold on a minute. Warren was in shock I think? I was in labor after all. "I guess I catch him if he comes out?" The midwife came in not a minute to soon. Sonny came flying out in 3 pushes and just an hour early we thought we were going home.

He came out blue and didn't cry. I was so happy I didn't notice at first. Then a trillion people came flying in the room. Warren tried to keep his fear for showing me our baby didn't look good. Our baby was quickly given to me and then swept away to NICU. He aspirated. Warren followed our baby. I sat in my hospital room alone, numb and terrified. An hour after his birth Warren send me an audio text. He cried.

They moved me shortly following the text. Rushing me through the NICU to see my baby. Warren talked to the doctors and got me back in to see my baby and as soon as I could walk I was the hospitals missing Mama. I sat next to my babies bed only leaving his side on shift changes. Warren and I sitting together in NICU with the baby looks at me and says Sonny? My eyes swelled with water, I smiled and he was Sonny.

Five days Sonny was poked, wore an oxygen mask, weighed his diapers, kept on monitors and slept under heat lamps. I was told time and time again he looked good and maybe tomorrow he would get to go home. Each time he wasn't released because he lost weight and hi bilirubin kept getting higher. Day 5 and under a UV lamp for 24 hours and a good fight with the head pediatrician at Kaiser about not giving him anymore shots they sent my Sonny home.

I'm thankful every day I see my little wildman and have never stopped watching his just as close as those first few days. If you know Sonny you know why.

Friday, October 22, 2010

This is gonna be tough

Yesterday I walked on to the Diablo Valley Campus and not to watch Tanner dance either. I went to the information center to find out where to start to complete my education. I was told to go to the admissions office to make sure my transcripts from Shasta College had been archived. Yikes! It's going to be 12 year coming this next semester since I took a college class. I have 55 units I'm hoping will still apply to my goals.

Admissions said my transcripts where still viewable and I hiked up the hill to the counseling center to make my appointment. November 4th at 11am. WOW! I have already made progress.

DVC has this cool web site you can plug in you program and t will fill in your completed coarse work and see what you still need to do. Apparently I have 35 more units I need for an A.A. So 12ish classes I need unless the counselor can plug some of my classes in to places the program didn't. PLEASE!!!!! PLEASE!!!! PLEASE!!!!!! Let that be the case. I know I need all the math, health science, P.E. life/physical sciences. All the stuff that didn't sound fun the first time around.

That's right I love to learn. The problem is I love to learn what I love. Child development, political science, Literary arts. Gee I sound like a girl. I'm already getting off track seeing classes I'd love to take just flipping through the Catalog of classes. I see some classes on how to deal with the special needs of Foster children I could use now relating to behavior issues. Site management classes to be a director of a preschool, etc.

So how am I going to get excited about math again. I was good in high school. Marysa my fourth grader's homework is challenging. I can do it I just can't explain it. I'm sure I'll need to learn to explain again. UGH!!!

So any tips how to focus with kids and a job would be welcome. I have to get away from telecoms and customer service before I go mad.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Ugh and not the shoe

Today went in to the YMCA and was going over the hiring package. There was a huge miscommunication about the benefits. I don't think I am going to take the job after all. I guess I have been spoiled having health insurance that covered my family and not just my self.

For someone who is alone in this world, no husband or kids Perfect. Full health care and dental. For a person with kids it's an out of pocket expense of $500 per paycheck. Taking a pay cut with benefits we would be fine. I could be with my kids in the afternoon and enjoy working.

So here I am in tears practically thinking of going back to Corporation X. My kids come first. To me that means their basic needs get met. Food, school, health care and time with me just has to be last for now.

Resume gets sent again. I suppose I'm back at work in a week or so. Ugh!!!!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

A small job hunt update

Monday I went to my first interview at YMCA East Bay. The job would a an Infant/Toddler teacher in Rodeo working with children from hard backgrounds. Foster Care and the Projects.

I have to tell you for a first interview I took Warren's advice. I let them talk, and ask the questions. Then when I was asked a question I clarified what was asked before answering. There where two women there asking questions and writing like crazy. Luckily Corporation X had prepared me for that. Every meeting with every supervisor includes 2 managers and a union rep writing down everything. However as unnerving as it could have been my answers must have been good. Carla whom conducted most of the interview offered me the job without even checking my background or references. She got over excited I guess and laughed a little and asked me if everything would check out. Yes. In my mind I guessed people might lie to get a job??????????

I couldn't be more pleased with the opportunity to be part of a bigger picture. To help the really small and the grown. I am excited and thankful. Not to mention some perks like getting off early enough to be a major part of my own kids lives, a beautiful drive through the country twice a day, a gym membership with discounts on children's programs, benefits and retirement, time to have a big garden again. What I can't make in money there I can always make when I finally finish my real estate licence. Life is a little brighter.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Job hunting

Those who know me know I've been working at Corporation X now close to 11 years. For the most part I've been happy collecting a pay check and coming home to my beautiful little girl Marysa. I was employee of the month, taken out for lunch for being the teams top seller, worked on special project and really felt important. All of what I described was actually Corporation Z. Corporation X took over about 4 or 5 years ago.

Changes began when my office moved, our phone where now computerized and everything we do is watched. Well I still felt good, still had my project and now I was married and going to have a baby. The pregnancy/maternity benefits couldn't be better. I took time off while pregnant for morning sickness and went back to work full time when my baby boy was 13 months old. A week into returning my project was taken from my office. I was on a general billing Que being watched. I missed my baby and was feeling sick again. Well I found out I was pregnant again.

Oy! This time I was sicker, I had trouble focusing and my pregnancy was high risk. My benefits where still good and I took time off for pregnancy related illness and maternity. This time while I was off I was determined in a failing economy to open a home based daycare. Hoping to help low income and student parents. I got 3 clients. Two were drop-in and I had to go back to work. A few days in to returning my billing office was turned in to a sales office, they swept us off to a 4 month training and changed our attendance policy. I was no longer a perfect employee. Not because I had changed but because the company had changed. The job did a 180 degree turn on me. I still had my friends of many years to work with but all of them and I were getting suspended often. What the heck was going on? My thought was we weren't wanted anymore. Attrition. The dirtiest word I can think of. Good, hard workers all on warnings of dismissal, disability from the stress or on programs. My office looked like a ghost town. People who would smile and say good morning lost their luster. The offices around us on our floor where closing, people taking separation packages, or following their job out of state or hanging on praying another position in California opened up for them to more into. One day our Vice President took a new job, and the two or three that followed him did the same until final we where consolidated with the San Ramon business office.

Many of us were mad, all I think where scared and no choice was given. We are now in a high pressure sales office hanging by a thread and stressed. I was suspended on day 2 of the new office. Another rep told management I was on the Internet. I was reinstated into my job with a warning of dismissal if another "Code of Conduct" violation occurred. Well the truth is I wasn't on the Internet. My job makes me panic and I can't find what I need to do what I need to do. In my mind I'm still a customer service rep hired to help the customer. In reality I'm not here to help a customer at all but to find away to have them commit to giving us more money each month. Who cares if they are cared for on a human level any more.

So now I'm here....hanging from a thread that's gonna break. The new attendance policy will never allow me to be a perfect 10 again. I still service when I can but focus on the sales now. I'm good at it. People trust that I'm helping them do what's right for their business to keep them in business. For the most part I do and try to do the right thing. Help who can be helped and keep floating.

I know I've mentioned lots of times my husband is a wonderful guy. He motivates me.... may not even know he does. I hate my job I once loved. I think about my kids growing up everyday and how much I miss. I'm applying for jobs. It's weird. At first I applied for similar jobs. Corporate customer service or sales jobs. I got some calls but my motivation to follow through just wasn't there. About 2 weeks ago the pastor of my church sent an e-mail out to the church family that our pre-school director was retiring and they are looking for a replacement. My dream job. My 3 favorite things under one roof. Working with kids, my love for God and my church and my kids. My heart raced. I called and e-mailed the same day. Then there was the resume.

Oh WOW! I don't have a resume. Every job I've ever got was a referral for a friend, and application maybe a test and I was in. Including the job I have now and the one I had before it at my church. New pastor. Wants a resume. Ugh!!! So I write one. Warren helps and a week later after many drafts I turned it in. My hands were sweaty, I'm sure my face was red and I had awkward small talk with Pastor Jed. We joked a bit like old friends and I left with excitement and sadness. My ego of I can do this was still there but my confidence on proving I was the best choice was turning to jello. How does some see me on paper next to people who have been in a director position before. I'm sure I looked better than some but not to sure.

A week passes no call. I have 2 maybe 3 weeks until I have to go back to Corporation X. I don't want to. The thought makes my body sick. I need a new job. I want to feel like I'll make a difference in people. I don't want to be a random phone call and a potential sale. I want to be part of something bigger.

Today I sent that same resume I handed Pastor to multiple preschools. I got a call. The position I applied for was filled but she said if I was able to got to a difference center she may just have the job for me. She gave me the address. I took a drive to case the area and called her back. Monday I have a set interview. No word of mouth just me, my resume and desire to be someone who can help. A huge pay cut but a chance proud of who I am and someone my kids can look up to. Now to wait calmly and say a little prayer.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

the road most taken is it the right road?

July 17th I officially gave 10 years to telecoms. Loudly under appreciated. Sure I had three babies and one adoption, two hernia surgeries and one hospitalization and divorce and a marriage. Over ten years, come on guys life happens. I've been at work reliably ready to take the hit from the nastiest people on the planet. Most of the time taking the vinegar right out of their mouths and replacing it with honey. I am "happy" and "understanding" day in and out. I am dynamic changing as fast as you've asked me to be and sometimes even beating your expectations. I leave my kids mile stones to be seen by strangers, . I don't grieve when I should. I keep my mouth shut and accept the job laid before me and give you my all. I show respect towards authority and I'm a team player.

Why should it be that today I'm sitting by my phone an hour after your under delivered promised call. After a third day of suspension pending investigation for having a web page on my computer. A direct link from you own intra company website. Where I was turned in by a woman who no convincing is needed has sold her soul to the devil himself for $50k+ a year.

I'm not gonna quit. You can give me what I want after 10 years dedicated to you. An open door............

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Summer time, summer time, sum sum summer time :-)

Yep it's that time of year. Friday is the last day of school. I'll have a couple of Fourth grade girls in the house a third grade boy and a few quickly growing babies. OK preschoolers. Just like every year before this year seemed to disappear right before my eyes.

Marysa has become a lot more social. Birthday parties, sleep overs, play date, phone calls and text messages. She has developed a sense of style. Teen idols cover her bedroom walls and I embarrass her. I see less and less of a little girl and more of a young lady. Swimming seems to be her sport. She can butterfly life no ones business.

Tanner is blooming as well. He imagination is becoming more refined. She can tell a story I find myself straining to hear what happens next form the next room. She is becoming closer to me again after a few years of pulling away. I can not remember the last time she and I butted heads. After all that's what Capricorns do. She is a kind and loving sister. She even looks less like a little girl. Amazing and blessed to be able to share her life.

Joey..... Holy Cow!!!!!! The kid rocks. He still takes me on a roller coaster but the kid brings tears to my eyes of pride. He tried baseball this year. He's not a natural but a hard worker. His team was undefeated except one game and he came home with the championship trophy. I am most proud that he made strong contact twice in the last game. GO JOEY!!! After the game Joey's teacher left me a voicemail about how he's going to get a surprise medal for math. I am just a beaming proud Mama.

Sonny is my wild child. The child my mother wished on me. He's had stitches in his hand, took a swim with his bike in the canal, licked neighbors trash cans and cars. Pretty much just keeps me on my toes. I can't even brace myself for what he might do next. He's smart, loving and my sunshine.

Oh and no least at all. Declan. I new walker with eleven teeth. He can sing happy birthday all the way through and bits and pieces of various Ramones and The Who songs. He blow kisses and tells you with little frustration exactly what he wants........with WORDS. I don't think he knows he's a baby. It's make my lip frown just enough to wish he's stay my baby baby just a little more.

Just a sweet reminder. I love my husband. We don't get a lot of time one on one in our little house of hyper but love him more and more everyday. End of August will be our 5 year aniversay. In the 5 years I've been proud to be Mrs. Lutz I have watched him transform from a guy with a newspaper job to a guy who has no limits. He is always doing bigger and better. I don't even hope for the next 5 years to be as good as the first. I know they will be better. My best friend and soulmate, father of my children is the BOMB Yay! I am proud of him too.

As of right now I'm looking forward to the summer and spending time with my amazing family. Let Summer begin.

Friday, May 7, 2010


Ever since I can remember I loved cats.

I found my self living almost an entire life without cats.
We'll cats I got to live with.
I had Spade, in third grade he died. Instead of someone one telling me I felt an absence. I can remember feeling empty. Then run and crying out for him up and down my street until I was told he was killed my poison by a neighbor killing gophers. What the hell are people doing with poison in the suburbs? We live on top of each other and affect lives without ever speaking in scaring ways.

I found random kittens giving them away in front of grocery stores because my Mom had allergies.

I had an apartment with my first husband. I couldn't stand not to bring a neighbors kitten home. Two problems......... he was extremely uncomfortable with his allergies and the Mama cat would cry for her baby outside our door.
Then we had a house and a Tux moved in with us. The x wouldn't let mekeep him inside @night. Martinez swarms with Raccoons at night. They ate his food and he never came back.

I even told him I wanted a kitty for having to go through the crazy physical and mental feeling form my pregnancy with Marysa. He agreed. It was a lie!!!! No kitty.

My divorce.......Mike and Bob moved in. My daughter wasn't allergic thank God. The trained us to open the door, feed and walk them. Bob could chirp and Mike never lost his patience. I got married and Bob was stolen and renamed Gomez by a crazy man at the top of our hill. Tigerlily was brought home shortly after my miscarriage. She stalked Joey for blood. Crapped on me while I slept or in my shoes while I was pregnant with Sonny. When I brought him home she attempted to spray him then adopted her self a baby free home with a mother and old daughter at the bottom of my hill. Mike. He's my heart. I hope he followed his spirt to another good like. Unfortunately I fear the suburbs got him too. I still look for him 2+ years later hoping he'll come home.

Now I have Pumpkin. My unilateral decision. My friend. He's loved and is chubby from it. He's spunky and loyal. He feels pains and stays near to heal. A day plus ago he showed me what it will be like for me as a parent of a teenager. 4am he called me to come in. I just didn't want to get up. He's be fine an hour????????? No he disappeared. I could feel my heart tighten. War I am positive thought I was crazy. I called the shelter and sat at work all day going sick with worry. No Pumpkin when I got home. I'm dead to feeling anything bu sadness and having to do what was needed care for my family. Warren feed the kids. I sat by the window and walked my yard and driveway over and over calling him. Finally Warren takes my two Leger Pumpkin out to look. Calling him comes in side.
Meow! He's home.

I love my kitty. I'm a better person with him. Or at least inside I feel that way. I can only imagine he wasn't gone but comunicating a message with me. I not be lazy in my care for the ones I love most. That my 3 oldest kids maybe middle sized in elementary school now but soon will be teens. Doing things Pumpkin was doing........worring me sick. Heaven help me. Mama of 5 and future cat lady.