Saturday, May 16, 2009

My brother

I have a brother who is eleven years older than me. He has issues with drugs and alcohol. For the most part I keep my distance from him pretty well. Yet my life is intertwined with his. I am raising his son. He is homeless and chooses the outer area of my neighborhood to live in. Not often and always totally unprepared I do run into him.

Today was no exception. Joey and I have been working hard on our garden a half a week now. Slowly finding out what we need. Today we needed a cage for our tomato plant we bought yesterday. My two year old was asleep and my husband home so we seized the moment to be able to run in and grab what we needed at the neighborhood Ace hardware. We got our cage, duct tape, and a much needed fly swatter after adding chicken manure to the garden. Out the door we walked right into my brother, Joey's biological father.

I can't smile when I him since he makes my blood boil knowing how much my Joey has been through and how much work he's done to grow into the great little boy he is now. Jonathan gets so proud to tell us Jimmy is graduating and he has only 10 tickets and Jimmy gave him one. Part of me is sad for Jimmy since I just talked to him the other day about what role Jonathan hasn't played in his life. Jonathan wants me to wait so I can meet his friend. Crap......... I can't stand to meet another tweaked out freak. I have to go, no I don't want to hug you, please don't cry. Why wont my car door open fast enough to load our stuff and run?

My brother make me feel things I can't even describe, nothing good and I wish after seeing him a shower or something would make the whole experience go away.
Now I just worry what running into Jonathan will do to my son Joey?

Friday, May 15, 2009

The Lutz farming family

Wednesday Joey got in my car and had all this information on growing sun flowers. I asked if he'd like to grow some.

Of coarse he did. We had two hours until Marysa got out of school so we stopped by Ace hardware and got two packs of seeds. One pack of sun flowers and one pack of Sugar Peas. We came home and got our ziplock bagies out and started wetting cotton and mixing them with seeds and taping the open baggies to our window. I took a Math and Science class for preschool aged kids a few years back and remembered doing it as one of our projects.

After picking up Marysa from school we started preparing our garden area in the back yard. We got raked grass cut grass away and pulled the rest out by hand, and took out the garden claw and turned soil. By the time dinner was ready the kids had the garden area off to a really good start.

Warren told me I needed chicken manure to finish getting the soil ready. We got that today. Pew! Thank good the garden store is right off the freeway and so is our house. The smell made my eyes water. Today some of our seeds started to spout as well.

I feel like a little kid full of excitement, starting this project with my kids is fun. I called my parents and my dad could remember growing a veggie garden with his Mom when he was in second grade. My dad is 73 years old telling me he remembers looking every day for the garden to start growing and when it did how excited he got. He told me his favorite part was growing baby carrots.

Next on our list is composting and a tomato cage, who knows maybe well get crazy and grow a bigger garden sometime in the side yard.

Thursday, May 14, 2009


I always find my self wanting to leave.

As a kid it was threats of running away, my bike for long bike rides, or jumping BART and going to Ocean beach in San Fransisco.

Then my Mom would change my mind or come get me because I was to far or tired.

I graduated and couldn't wait to leave. I went away to Junior College in Redding CA. A few months later I wanted to leave and come home. Then I was home again wanting to leave.

I met a guy who wanted to leave his roommates. I left with him. Then I battle to leave him year after year each time compromising and moving with him to different place. As much as I battled to leave him he left my heart first so I asked him to physically leave. Then I battled to leave my mind with a few bottles of wine. I ended up not being able to leave. I had people who depended on me. I stayed.

Then I met a new adventure and decided to leave. I moved my dependents, cats, and dogs in to a new house with a new heart. I got married. Shortly after I wanted to leave. Only some of them left instead. Each time I battled to leave I found a reason to stay. My nephew, my son, my pregnancy, my love. He says he loves my staying power. That keeps me feeling full.

My staying power keeps me a mother, my staying power keeps my love new. My staying power has earned me balance, and big changes in my life that don't require an impatient feeling of leaving but a stronger feeling of staying and changing my world right where I am to please me.

I am thankful I no longer feel like I need to leave. That I can stay, at least for a while.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Me Day

I love Mother's Day. Every year my family is sweeter than the year before. This year stated with Joey buying me a cup of coffee at Starbuck's with my money. Go figure. Followed by a rant about how he hates his life. Pretty typical of Joey since everyday is the worst day ever with all the fun and laughing he does when he's not telling me about all his woes.

I then went to pick up Marysa from her Dad's house. She wore my favorite dress, cut three beautiful roses from her Dad's yard and made me a giant card covered with hearts and I love you Mom all over it. My favorite part was on the back of the card she drew a heart with Mary/Mom written in it. Very tiny she wrote optional. I asked her what that was for and she told me some people call me Mary and some called me Mom so it was optional.

Warren took Sonny with him to the office to drop off some work and met me back at the house. He took me out to eat at my favorite Mother's Day spot. Black Bear Diner. The wait is always to long but I love the corned beef hash. The service is bad and Sonny is only two and started acting up long before we got our meal.My sweetheart took him outside and let me eat in peace. I then went out to the car against his wishes and watched Sonny so he could eat.

After brunch we came home. Warren offered to pick me up a Rubin at Noah's just in case I needed some more spoiling. I put Sonny down for a nap and Marysa hung out with Declan while I took a nap. When Declan started to fuss he came in and napped with his old Ma.

I woke up happy. Sonny wanted to snuggle a minute then we hit the sprinklers. To my surprise we were able to play without fighting. The days not over but I sure love my husband and kids and wish everyday could be Mother's Day.