when you get caught up in what's in front of you miss the bigger picture.

Just over two years ago I went on disability to have my first son Sonny. I brought him in the office not even six weeks old to see my friends. It was the last time I saw my friend Michelle. I came back to work a couple weeks at a time for about a year before coming back full time when Sonny was 13 months old. Michelle wasn't in the office. I wasn't worried due to her being in and out of the office in the past. I then found out I was pregnant with my second son Declan and was really sick. I didn't stay at work everyday and finally was pulled out of work when Sonny was 19 months old. While I was out of the office our sister office closed and I asked if she was moved to the new office. I was told she moved. Not a soul told me Michelle had cancer and was out of the office over a year. This morning I opened Facebook to find out Michelle had passed. I am happy she isn't in pain but my heat feels like someone is squeezing it. I am so sad. Michelle was a beautiful person. We often joked about silly things like how we needed to date geeks and be on a coffee call list. I missed talking to Michelle while I've been out with my babies but didn't give it much thought. Now my heart aches I wont ever see her again. God bless Michelle, her family and friends. Michelle I was blessed to have you in my life and will miss you.

Good idea is to go Green

Bad idea is to forget to check the weather report before hanging the cloth diapers out to dry.

First is the worst

First let me say my body had a moment I think I left it. I had my first interview with a potential client today. She responded to my ad on craigslist.org From the moment I woke up this morning my stomach was in knots. I was hoping my house was in the same condition it was when I went to bed so I could do a quick vacuum and mop of the kitchen floor and wait. Of coarse there was more to do and I couldn't find my floor cleanser. After I dropped off the kids at school Christina was waiting for me. I let her hold Declan completed my quick cleaning. She headed off to school and I played with Sonny and Genna while I waited. The client rolls up a few minutes past our appointment time. No children just two other women with her. I'm sure my eyes rolled in the back of my head and I began to babble. All I can remember was Sonny wanted a bear and Genna wanted me to wear a bike helmet. I think they were here only a few minutes and they were gone. As soon as I said my good byes I could feel my stomach turn and I almost lost it. Hopefully I wasn't as bad as I thought and I will have a client.

People people can feel weird as well.

Today in the on going list of tasks completed to get my daycare license I took a First Aid class. First aid hasn't changed much since I took it six or seven years ago. Except one major thing I was not ready for. They have you partner up not just to immobilize broken limbs and pretend to stop bleeding but now you physically roll your partner and do a full body check for injury. I can only speak for myself. It freaked me out really good, to touch someones hair, look in their eyes, touch their neck and shoulders no big deal. Touching their breast bone, lower ribs and hips really surfaced some boundaries issues with me. I pretended and said spoke what I was pretending to touch and it still gave me the ick factor. That wasn't the worst we then had to learn to roll someone passed out with and without a neck injury from their back to their side. I much prefer the neck injury to the just passed out guy. I had a strange woman take my arm and lay it across my chest. I'm sure for the normal person no big deal but I'm nursing and not a natural size. I got the look form my partner... where in the hell does the arm go. I finally just moved my own arm. Holy cow talk about crossing over the line into the uncomfortable zone. I have already recruited Warren for my partner in the renewal class two years from now.
The sad part is I don't think I can help someone in need that isn't a child or someone I know for fear of this line crossed. It was so much easier in my last class when we rolled dummies and not people. I could have been a hero to someone with that training, I think.

California Acadamy of Science

Since January I have been trying to get into the "New" California Academy of Science. Let me tell you the place is so much more popular than it was when they had the old building. The first time we went was January 2nd. The line was so long you couldn't see an end. We went to de Young instead. I would recommend de Young to people without the kids or with older kids. I went with my troop, they were good but not really that interested. Warren seemed to like it. A great place to try out his new camera.

We then tried again Valentine's Day. We got in after about 30 minutes in the members only line. As much as I enjoyed talking with some science teachers from the Richmond school district the kids got very antsy. The building was crowded Warren and I got separated and it took almost an hour to reconnect. Our kids were hot, tired and cranky. We could not wait to leave.

I am very persistent and thought maybe a weekday would work better. Could not find a single adult that could go during the week. I almost gave up when Tuesday night I found out my daughter had a minimum day the same day Joey always gets out of school early. I picked up the kids and we left to the Aquarium. Just me, two schoolers, a preschooler and a baby. It was a quick drive at 1230pm to get there. The directions from the website worked perfect. There was parking and no line to get in. We explored the Philippine coral reef, saw the taxidermy animals I remembered as a child and walked around the swamp and aquarium. About two hours after we arrived it started getting busy so we weren't able to see the rain forest or the living roof, leaves something for next time and more I'm sure. We did see some really cool Bat rays and skates, an albino alligator from above and beneath and see a cool show with a diver in a huge fish tank. Over all if you're a scientist at heart get a membership, break up your visit into a few trips and have fun.

I loved it and my kids seemed to enjoy them selves as well.

yawn work

I have been back at my job since Tuesday. I have had no work to do since I can not get into any of the systems. I am more tired than when I worked all day long. Today kicked my butt. I got up at 4:45am and nursed Declan slept until 6 am on the sofa so I wouldn't fall into a deep sleep and then got up. Got ready for my shower that woke Sonny up so I set him up in the bed with daddy watching some public television show. My more than half sleeping husband attempted to soothe my crying two year old the entire time I took a shower. After the shower I picked him up and went to each of the kids rooms to wake them up. Surprisingly they got out of bed and got dresses I set up Sonny on the couch to watch Dora the Explorer and he was happy. I woke Declan again and nursed him a second time before we left. Loaded up the car with all the kids kissed my sleeping sweetheart good bye and left. I took Marysa to school first. It was the first time in a long time I had to drop her off at daycare in the morning. I forgot she likes for me to wait on her before getting out of the car and had to soothe her mini meltdown. Jumped back in the car and wrote Joey a check for hot lunch while sitting at a stop light. Got to my good friend's house who is watching the boys for me while I work two weeks and got Joey off to school, he walks from there and brought my babies into her house. I had to change Declan's clothes seeing that he puked all over his pajamas. I was out her door running at 735am. I reached San Ramon at 810am where I risked a McDonald's breakfast before having to be at work at 830 am. I was lucky and was 10 minutes early and happy someone else got to the door before me since my badge doesn't work to open the doors anymore. I slid into my desk ate my breakfast as quickly as possible and signed on to my work station. I sat at my desk small talking with my co-workers since I can't work if I don't have access to anything. Ten o'clock is my break I sit on the floor of a room full of chairs and boxes of files. I pumped 13 ounces of milk. While pumping I get a text message from Christina that Declan is feeling porky and has 12 ounces left and that will last him until almost 2pm. Holy cow what do I do........I'm thinking formula in the back of my head knowing how bad that would make my sweet baby feel. My anxiety keeps building and building and light bulb turns on. Tack 15 minutes to my lunch for lactation time and take the milk I just pumped to my baby. I get it approved by my manager and run to drive 80 miles per hour to bring my baby his milk. I get back to work 6 minutes late. Crud....before I left on maternity I was on warning of suspension. I can't do that it would defeat the reason to work for two weeks. I ask my manager where I am with sick days and find out nothing to get me in trouble there. That is perfect since my girl friend just sent me a text that her daughter has a fever of 101.3 I decide to leave unpaid for childcare problems and take the hit. I do a quick sweep through Target for dress for Declan's baptism this upcoming Sunday and baby goodies to make pumping easier. In and out in less than 15 minutes. I then book it to Christina's house where my kids are eating and Genna is happy but in pain, she is my friends daughter. I sit and chat about an hour about scheduling and Declan's sudden increase in eating and she's got to leave. I drive a little before Joey gets out of school since it is now 2 o'clock in the afternoon. On the way to pick-up Joey notice Christina's son who has autism is being dropped off to an empty house I call Christina and let her know get Joey and go straight to Target where I return half the things I bought just over an hour earlier in San Ramon, and pick up a few more needed things. Diapers and pull-ups for Sonny and Joey. Get back to the car and go to Wendy's where I get small meals for the kids afternoon snack v-line to Marysa's school and get her. We then proceed on to my sister Terri's house to wait for my parents who arrive less than ten minutes later. I visit awhile, show my dad Declan for the first time. Then my sister is getting ready for dinner. She asks me if she can pick me up a Papa Murphy's take and bake pizza I can cook at my house. That's a pretty good hint she is ready for us to leave. Oh and the comment she would never want my kids. She's just a real trip. My mom thinks she could be menopausal and about to get worse than that. What ever she's Terri and I'm use to this, I'm going to nurse Declan while she gone so I can leave when he's fed. Oh know my breast are way to full and choke him like a person trying to take a dink from a fire hose like they might a garden hose. I have to pump, 8 ounces to be exact before my flow slows down enough to feed my baby who is now hysterical. I calm him, Terri and my dad get back and she asks me if I'm sure I don't want to stay and have pizza with them. What!!! No thanks we will eat at home. I get home my house smells like burnt coffee from the pot Warren didn't turn off and thank the load Marysa and Joey can microwave burittos, that Sonny passed out in the car and Declan is working his way to sleep in the baby swing. I load up the washing machine, the kids makes their lunches for Friday and I ask Joey to take a box out to the rycycle can. Coming back in he slams the door waking both babies and I don't get to eat my dinner that is cooking in the microwave. I put Dora on pick up Declan and nrse both the boys. Sonny can't see Dora good while he nurses so he bites me. Ouch! He and I are done. I give him his bottle and attempt to nurse a hysterical over tired Declan. Send Joey into the bathroom to clean his butt the is caked with poop. His wonderful new problem as of the last few months and cringe. I just can't understand why he is messing his pants again, he's been clean over a year. I finally get to a point where I can put Declan in his bed to sleep, Sonny is lethargic but needs to eat so I grab my now cold dinner and Sonny eats all my potatoes, I finish the turkey and carrots pick up little man as he quietly begs to be let down and carry him off to bed. He feel asleep before I even shut the door. Marysa is 8 and knows she needs a shower so she takes one unprompted by me and goes to bed. Warren is at writer's group and I am alone finally to unwind via this blog post. As tired as I am for doing nothing at my work block of the day I am grateful for this moment alone.

Mom's groups

I recently was invited to join a Mom's group. I went to a park playdate and really enjoyed it. I knew absolutely no one but had fun talking about kids and stuff mom's are doing. My Sonny-bun played nice and slept well after it. I still how ever have no clue how to ask if people want to go to the park or use the website, or take the polls or anything. So once again I am trying to figure out how this works so I started a experiment on Facebook. It's a group for women in general. Mom's, grandma's, single strong women, students just who ever. I posted my first event and I am really hoping someone bites. I have 8 members last count and would love to go on a day trip with some gals before my life gets to crowded again. Wish me luck. I am dying for some social interaction.