Thursday, May 14, 2009


I always find my self wanting to leave.

As a kid it was threats of running away, my bike for long bike rides, or jumping BART and going to Ocean beach in San Fransisco.

Then my Mom would change my mind or come get me because I was to far or tired.

I graduated and couldn't wait to leave. I went away to Junior College in Redding CA. A few months later I wanted to leave and come home. Then I was home again wanting to leave.

I met a guy who wanted to leave his roommates. I left with him. Then I battle to leave him year after year each time compromising and moving with him to different place. As much as I battled to leave him he left my heart first so I asked him to physically leave. Then I battled to leave my mind with a few bottles of wine. I ended up not being able to leave. I had people who depended on me. I stayed.

Then I met a new adventure and decided to leave. I moved my dependents, cats, and dogs in to a new house with a new heart. I got married. Shortly after I wanted to leave. Only some of them left instead. Each time I battled to leave I found a reason to stay. My nephew, my son, my pregnancy, my love. He says he loves my staying power. That keeps me feeling full.

My staying power keeps me a mother, my staying power keeps my love new. My staying power has earned me balance, and big changes in my life that don't require an impatient feeling of leaving but a stronger feeling of staying and changing my world right where I am to please me.

I am thankful I no longer feel like I need to leave. That I can stay, at least for a while.

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