Sunday, October 24, 2010

Long time past

I've been spending a lot of time talking about my job and not a lot on being a mother of 5. I'm going to go back to when I was a new mother of 3. Back in 2005 I was newly married to my sweet Warren. I had a beautiful little girl and brand new step daughter and even more recently acquired my little boy Joey from Foster care. Joey came to live with us December 13, 2005 and was having my daughters 5th birthday Saturday the 17th. Complete with a Pink Pony bouncy house on the rainiest day of the year.

The party was interesting to say the least. My sisters, my sister in-law, my daughter her cousins, my wild new son, my husband, step daughter and my husbands ex-mother-in law. A little ambitious I suppose. The kids had fun playing on my girls new bunk beds and snacking on cheese and broccoli turkey meat balls. The bouncy house went almost untouched as it was wet and cold. All the Mom's sat in the living room talking and the ex-grandma went room to room taking pictures.

I was exhausted and a little frazzled. The kids where hot and sweaty and having a blast. My sister in-law and War's ex-ma and Tan left. My Mom, Dad and brother (Joey's biological father) showed up. Ready to get out we loaded up the cars and when to see Christmas lights. Loading my car with kids in car seats reaching across the seat I noticed some extreme tenderness in my stomach. After stopping to see Santa at a local light show in the neighborhood saying my good-byes to the rest of the party I took a pregnancy test.

OMG!!! I was pregnant. I yelled out in excitement. Years earlier I was told after my daughters birth I would probably not have another child. Warren and I decided to keep it quite. I told my Mom who told my Dad who told everyone I'm sure. Went to m fist prenatal filled out all the paperwork and met my doctor. She took a quick ultrasound. Hmmm looks about 12 weeks......hmmm maybe you should come back next week to confirm this pregnancy is viable.

VIABLE! What's that? Well the baby had no heartbeat. Apparently it could be that we caught it to early. January 17, 2006 I was driving to work and was really tired. I took 2 hours off that morning flattened the backseat out in my car and took a nap right in the office parking lot. When I actually walking into work I had to pee and my paper was covered in dark red blood. I let the attendance manager know I thought something was wrong in my pregnancy and called my doctor. The told me I should be able to work as long as there wasn't anymore blood I could come in the morning. Well 4ish the blood came back and there was purple globs. I left right away and called my husband and mother to go get my kids. Warren and I spent a few hours as the ER until I was wheeled down to diagnostic imaging where I was told by the chief neurologist that my baby still did not have a heart beat. I had the choice of letting things happen naturally or they could help me along. I still had hope even though it was hopeless and choose to go home and rest. I laid at home for two days crying still nothing happened. No more bleeding or cramps and choose to go back to work. Well driving home it happened. I screamed out in the worst pain I had ever been in. Got to my children's daycare where I ran to the bathroom. It happened my lifeless little fetus came out. The physical pain ended and the emotional began.

I sat up night after night in search of a on-line support group for women who miscarried. I even tried to start one on I got quick sympathy but no one was out there wanting to talk. Warren would come out and watch me cry night after night searching on the computer. I never felt so alone. My mother tried to comfort me as she also had a similar but more extreme experience. Somehow nothing helped. Warren begged me to get help and I did not.

Six months later we where pregnant again. I was neurotic about my pregnancy. To the point my doctor called my husband and asked if I was mentally OK. I ended up having to see someone about the tremendous fear I had about something going wrong with this pregnancy.

Have you ever heard the story of the boy who cried wolf? That was me terrified every few weeks something was wrong. I was very sick and my baby was very alive each time I went in for more fluid or a medicine to keep me from puking. I was put on an anti-anxiety medication and I calmed down some to stop crying in fear every time I sneezed. By the 3rd trimester I knew every triage nurse by name. By week 32 Dr. Dillar in an attempt to calm me I'm sure told me that if my baby was born he was developed enough to survive and it the cord was wrapped around his neck he still would be fine. I finally could relax. The doctors took me off work and I began to clean. Nesting right? Well I'm a super nest-er I guess I moved my rooms around, cleaned from top to bottom only stopping when I passed out to sleep. Warren wanted to go out for one last guys night before baby came in 5 weeks. Reasonable I thought. Until 30 minutes after he left I started to contract. 33 weeks into it. I called him and he came home with his buddy Carl.

Well I was in labor 5 weeks early. Ok 5 weeks and 5 days. the hooked me up to the triage monitors and my baby was unresponsive. No acceleration or movement. They had me drink juice. Still he did nothing. They buzzed my stomach with a fetal alarm still nothing. I then got pitocin. A few hours on it baby started to move. I was 3cm dilated and Warren and I where talking about going home with the doctor. I relaxing and waiting on one last check when I knew he was coming out. OMG! The nurse came in and told us to hold on a minute. Warren was in shock I think? I was in labor after all. "I guess I catch him if he comes out?" The midwife came in not a minute to soon. Sonny came flying out in 3 pushes and just an hour early we thought we were going home.

He came out blue and didn't cry. I was so happy I didn't notice at first. Then a trillion people came flying in the room. Warren tried to keep his fear for showing me our baby didn't look good. Our baby was quickly given to me and then swept away to NICU. He aspirated. Warren followed our baby. I sat in my hospital room alone, numb and terrified. An hour after his birth Warren send me an audio text. He cried.

They moved me shortly following the text. Rushing me through the NICU to see my baby. Warren talked to the doctors and got me back in to see my baby and as soon as I could walk I was the hospitals missing Mama. I sat next to my babies bed only leaving his side on shift changes. Warren and I sitting together in NICU with the baby looks at me and says Sonny? My eyes swelled with water, I smiled and he was Sonny.

Five days Sonny was poked, wore an oxygen mask, weighed his diapers, kept on monitors and slept under heat lamps. I was told time and time again he looked good and maybe tomorrow he would get to go home. Each time he wasn't released because he lost weight and hi bilirubin kept getting higher. Day 5 and under a UV lamp for 24 hours and a good fight with the head pediatrician at Kaiser about not giving him anymore shots they sent my Sonny home.

I'm thankful every day I see my little wildman and have never stopped watching his just as close as those first few days. If you know Sonny you know why.

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